The appointments with Him are never scheduled.
Well, at least they aren’t in any agenda book I have. But He has his own timetable. And shows up precisely when He’s needed. And for me, it’s always been in the midst of a struggle / surrender / serenity cycle. He’s the Closer when it comes to these things. The Cleaner. I create the mess and He rights it by showing me how to not just tidy it up, but how to avoid creating the mess in the first place.
Allow me to share.
Struggle: I have had some struggles as of late. Like anyone else, I tussle with my ego, my expectations, my resentments, my wanting to direct life like a prima donna actor. I have documented those here, how I have squared off with my weight, my body issues, my running attachments, my anger issues, my complacency, my eating, my online screen time, my scrupulousness, my arrogance, my comparing myself to others. I have had it all this year. I probably have some other stuff going on that I am not even aware of.
I’ve realized that I’ve been running from one place to another seeking something. Seeking that validation that I know comes from within. Knowing it intellectually, but unknowing how to make that stick to my heart and soul. I am sometimes aware of it, sometimes I am not. I dart around from flower to flower trying to suck all the nectar out of everything. Trying to store it up as some sort of spiritual collateral. But it fails to invigorate and satisfy. Alcohol was the drug of choice in that regard for decades. I may have dropped the hooch but other things replaced it.
And that has been the struggle.
Surrender: I was riding my bike home Friday evening. It was cold but I was meandering about getting home. I was five minutes from home when I passed a bench. A few seconds later I had a very strong pull to turn back. I have had these moments before. So I knew that I was meant to heed that nudge. And so I turned back.
I heard something telling me to sit.
I heard something tell me to take my helmet off.
I took my helmet off.
The surrender took the form of tears coming down my face and asking God “What do I have to do to be free? I am struggling and can’t do this anymore. I can’t”.
And this is how it went:
Me: I can’t do this.
Voice: I know you struggle.
Me: I don’t want to do this any more.
Voice: Then don’t. You don’t have to any more. You don’t have to do so much. You don’t need to prove anything with Me.
Me: But I have to do things, don’t I? I have responsibilities. I need to get stuff done, right? I mean –
Voice: Rest in Me. Just be.
Me: How do I do that? I have so many things that –
Voice: Let them go. Let go.
Me: How do I do that?
Voice: Just ask.
(I sat and asked Him for several minutes to relieve me of the bondage of self. To release me from my own imprisonment, to put me in a place of rest and to take away my fears and anger)
Voice: Rejoice in Me. And rejoice in those who rejoice in Me as well.
Me: So what do I do now?
Voice: Go to the places [I had images of detoxes and prisons and other down and out places flash in my mind] and there you will find yourself there.
Voice: You are tapping into a new existence. You are going to find love and freedom.
Me: Thank you.
And as I sat there, tears now easing, my mind freeing and my hands warming even though it was cold out, I heard the voice finally tell me to breath. Ten times.
I breathed ten times.
And then I put my helmet back on left.
Serenity: As I left the place I had my conversation with God, I felt the tension in my chest dissipate like the smoke from an extinguished flame. My mind was clear. All the things I was thinking about as of late – the comparing of self, the pull towards acting out or finding those things that would tell me I was okay – all evaporated. I felt something glowing from within – love. Love for others, love for myself, love for God. I felt as if something was washing away.
I heard a great line the other day – God isn’t in us like a raisin in a bun – He’s in us like the ocean is in a wave. And I felt that. I felt His loving guidance in me. I felt all the harsh self-talk leave me. I felt as if it was okay to be me and nothing else. I felt lavished by unfettered love. I started to see just how simple it was and how I complicated it all.
As I got home, I had all these things swirling in my mind. I wrote them down, but realize now I didn’t need to. I would remember this. I would latch onto this feeling of utter surrender and serenity. My sponsor once told me that before we breakthrough into a new spiritual way of being, there is the most resistance from our ego. I understand that now, because I have been raging against the machine for some time now. I can see light. Light from within. His light refracted in me and emanating from others.
I am in a really good place now. I don’t know if I have been here before…but I like it.
Thank you for reading this. I wish you all the best in wherever you are in your own journeys.