I don’t often watch TV, but when I do, it’s kids shows. I will gladly sit through Power Rangers, Blue’s Clues, Pokemon or anything cartoonish rather than deal with the more inane and ever more cartoonish adult programming out there (I speak more about reality shows – don’t worry Game of Thrones folks, I am not tossing you in the same gumbo pot as the other shows. Your okra has more spice and jazz than most.) Pinky and The Brain is groovy – The Brain being bent on world domination while his not-so-bright-but-bright-in-cheerfulness sidekick Pinky is just there for the ride. Pinky’s emotional and freeing right brain to Brain’s methodical, analytical left side is Yin Yang personified in talking television rodents.
I mention this because I have been thinking about early recovery. Mainly, this thing called a “pink cloud” – the idea that hovers about us and through and is sometimes misunderstood. While this is predominantly a recovery thing, I think the idea of a pink cloud could also translate into other areas of our lives. But mainly pink clouds stay and play in the stratosphere of recovery, spreading outwards and filtering the world through a new lens. A different, more focused lens. Something alcoholic and addicts aren’t sure what to do with once they ascend upon one.
A pink cloud is essentially that almost euphoric feeling one gets after being sober / clean for a short time. It’s that captured state of being where things are fantastic, even in the face of still dire circumstances in one’s life. Our bodies are starting to feel better, our minds de-fogging and we have that lift of spirit that tells us that all is not only well, but beyond well. Fabuloso. Mega-groovy. Swellegant. Mick Mack Daddy. Those who are passing through a pink cloud can’t be brought down. They are in some transcendental bliss that trumps any earthly measures or issues. It’s like we’re high on life itself. Just perfect for an addict / alcoholic, no?
Now, sit in enough meetings or hang around recovery circles long enough and you will eventually hear some derisive comments towards those who are pink clouding. Hang out long enough and you will start to hear cloudbusting (not the Kate Bush variety) remarks tossed about. There is often the sense that there is a fort of gym mats being laid out when (not if) the person plummets down from their Major Tom visit up there.
Why would there be this sort of wet blanket reaction to someone who is, for the first time in ages, feeling so good about their lives? Why would people shoot arrows into that hot air balloon, the one that is allowing a broken and hurting person to soar about their problems and seeing the horizon clearly with fresh eyes? Why be a Sally Spoilsport to a Floating Fiona?
When I stopped drinking, there was feeling that I was fumbling on a tightrope, with not only no net below, but with a school of piranhas circling instead. I was like a newborn foal, stumbling to find my legs on this earth. Everything in me screamed out to have a drink, and yet I knew in my heart that those days were over. I had been broken just enough to allow myself the chance of changing and healing. Of starting anew. And while sweat dripped down the side of my face as I tried to navigate this new way of being, things started to look up, surprisingly. I started to sleep well. My body was properly nourished. I was talking to other alcoholic men. I was sharing my feelings and experiences with people. I was working on my recovery. I started to see the sun, and not the clouds. I was starting to feel that I was invincible.
And so just like Pinky and The Brain there, the idea that I could take over the world started to expand within me, and dominate. My mind and emotions were working in tandem once again. I felt that since I wasn’t drinking, I could conquer anything.I felt that I could climb Mt. Everest with only a hoodie, some TicTacs and an ipod with the Best of Styx on it. Unprepared, but willing. There was no bringing me down from my elation. Elation that I hadn’t felt since I perhaps felt in those early days of drinking. I was pink clouding it like nobody’s business.
So why is there a cautionary tone when we present ourselves in this manner to someone who has been there, done that? I mean, it’s all good and dandy to feel so great after feeling so crappy for so long, isn’t it? Don’t rain on my parade, pal – I have Xtra Strength Teflon Monsoon Shields on this Beetle Bailey float. I couldn’t believe that I could have such a sunny and, dare I say, happy outlook on life. Sure I had been kicked out of my house and had court charges looming over me and was fresh out of treatment and very much unemployed. But I felt good, dude. No buzzkillers allowed, okay?
For the record, I don’t ever burst any one’s pink cloud bubble. But what I will do is mention that it is a bubble. Alcoholics are dummies in the emotions department (sorry, but it’s true…or at least it was for me), especially in their active times. My emotional sobriety follows on the heels of my physical sobriety. I am still learning to manage emotions and emotional situations. But when I was active, I see-sawed between emotional extremes. Either I was a pissy cranky ogre, or I was a weepy, gleeful bag of goo. Not much in between, except perhaps a salad of contempt, sarcasm and crunchy self-pity croutons.
So it goes to say that in early sobriety, I didn’t immediately find emotional balance. So since I wasn’t feeling like utter garbage, I was at the other end of the scale. Ebullient. Hippy Trippy. I was perhaps even delusional. I mean, I had so many unpleasant things going on, just ending a 25 year bender, and I was grinning like a gassy fool. Is that the right or appropriate reaction to my life? I don’t know. All I can say is one thing – the pink cloud saved my life.
As I see it, the pink cloud represents something even deeper – it’s the Grace of God. How could I explain 25 years of drinking suddenly stopped and then feeling good about it? If it weren’t for that elation, that feeling of being a cartoon mouse ready to take on all, I wouldn’t have been able to do the real work of recovery. It was like being thrown into the ocean and then given a set of water wings. Angelic water wings. I was able to tread water long enough, with those same piranhas swarming about (they’re persistent buggers, aren’t they?) just long enough to learn to swim and get going. That pause, that feeling of being weightless, bought me the time I needed to start the work and get through it. If I were a despondent mess during those tenuous early day, I wouldn’t have been able to proceed in changing my life.
But here’s the thing – there is usually a time limit on this Get Out of Jail card. Striking while the iron is hot is essential in recovery. Take too long and our willingness peters out. We take that pink cloud sort of feeling for granted. And what happens, inevitably, is the crash. The drain. We land back on earth and wonder what the crazy Kansas dream was all about. And without any sort of plan of action and/or support, we’re left on the dirt without defence from that first drink.
I always encourage people to enjoy those pink cloud moments. Savour them. But also use them. Take advantage of that bliss and start taking action. It’s like that moment we get anaesthetized before the surgery. Rapture and euphoria before the first knife incision. And that is what the old timers caution about. They caution about pink clouders getting on a high horse and dictating to others what they should be doing instead of focusing on their own recovery. The old timers have seen enough people take that cloud into their coffins, as they tried to exist off that feeling of ecstasy alone.
So my advice (not that you asked, of course) is this. If you’re on a pink cloud right now, for the first time ever or coming back to it: ride it like you stole it. Enjoy those double macchiato non-fat low foam extra whip deserts-in-a-cup from that coffee shop down the street. Laugh at everything. Savour all that junk food. Play Stairway to Heaven over and over again on your lute. Feel the rain on your skin. Hug trees. It’s your time to shine in this special way.
But also take this grace for what it is – grace. Creator’s grace. Or if you’re not into Higher Powers and such, take this as just grace from the universe. A cosmic mulligan. We can’t build castles on clouds like in fairy tales, but we can build them on solid ground as gaze upward any time we want and see the beauty and majesty of the skies and knowing that we’re taken care of. We’re of service to others and that we need not live the way we used to ever again.
And remember, we can still conquer the world – this time with feet firmly planted, heart enriched and spirit intact and blossoming.
Yeah, I don’t like it when people try to pop bubbles, unless it’s my kid and then I tell her to stand back a little because she’s popping them all over my glasses. All bubbles sadly must pop just as what goes up must come down and nothing lasts forever. Side note: we have a cheap Brain ornament for our christmas tree that my kids for some reason think is my favorite. And so it kind of is.
I think I got to where I was wanting people to break my pink cloud reverie, because it was inevitable. May as well get it over with, right? I am trying to do better with that, and I hope I haven’t done that to others. If I have, then it certainly wasn’t intentional.
Bonus “great post” points for the Pinky and the Brain references. 🙂
Let me quote from this manifest.
‘All I can say is one thing – the pink cloud saved my life.”
Paul: If sobriety wasn’t any fun, why would anybody do it. ? Good thing you found AA bro. No? The pink cloud is a gift to be enjoyed, but like my sponsor said in the beginning, “Mike, if you get a really good idea, come and talk to me about it first’. The old guy was trying to keep me from climbing Everest with only tic tacs.
That said, to get to the plain, one has to go over hills and valleys. The plain is pink, and if it isn’t, you forgot where you cam from. capeche?
Gratitude is pink too. Watch the revolving door and thank your lucky stars you aint in it. Stick around bro, sobriety can be pink for decades.
Pinky and the Brain and Kate Bush in one post.
Now I’m on a pink cloud!
I ‘m so not a fan of people bursting those bubbles…i stealthily try and get in there and suggest action, but with no qualifying it “you;re gonna feel worse, etc”
Because, for me, there have been a lot of pink cloud moments and a lot of shite…life and living it will give you both. I try not to judge either as more important and attempt to stay in now. I don’t really remember an early pink cloud..i hated sobriety and AA, but I committed and dammit i was gonna see it thru!
Grateful i did that…I get pink clouds on the regular now. But i don’t look for them in my sobriety or others…
Life. Just living it.
This is super timely for me Paul, thanks!! So nice to hear your perspective on the subject. I am going to do some processing and think of ways to go from here that will help me continue to build stable ground underneath my pink clouds. 🙂
Yeah. My pink cloud comes and goes. I enjoy it; don’t get me wrong. But for me, it’s tricky. I get larger than life and my Ego kicks into overdrive. Then, I find myself needing to reel myself back in. So today as the happy haze is lifting I realize I need to get off the Internet and get to crackalackin on my Amends List. Talk about a bubble burster! Lol. Thanks, Paul. Excellent read.
Hugs,
Linda
Wonderful descriptions as always, Paul. The emotional sobriety, new in concept the way you put it, is something I’ve said, that those (of uS!) who are imbalanced on one level are imbalanced elsewhere, too. We just can’t be emotionally unwell and physically healthy, for instance. And addiction is such the yang on the see saw that yes, the yin of the euphoric cloud makes complete sense. Recoverers indeed would swing pendulums. But put positively, that is also the body trying to balance itself out after being so long in the dark. We just would need to inch our way toward the center, as health is balance. Sage advice, clear perspectives. =)
I can’t remember if I had a pink cloud, although I was always looking around for it which makes me think maybe I didn’t. What I did feel was an enormous amount of relief, and that was a new, good thing.
Your right about the emotional recovery coming after the physical. I’m pretty sure I’ve not finished mine yet. My dealings with my emotions is much improved but not great. Letting myself feel uncomfortable stuff is very difficult and I tend to run away from it whenever possible.
I’ve seen it in me and I’ve read it in others posts. That pink cloud high that is part relief and a lot of pride. Relief in that “oh thank God I’m sober again this morning” and pride as in “damn I’m good! I did it! Where did I put those tic tacs?” I can’t burst that bubble because, like you, it saved my life.
And yes, the pink sticks around but it matures and becomes more stable over time. It’s like a new love affair. In the beginning it’s hot and heavy and euphoric and you think the whole world is perfect! And it is for a while.
But, over time and if you put in the work, the love begins to mature and grow into something much more. Something stable. Something deep.
I think that why pink roses represent romance and red roses represent true love.
I hope my love affair with sobriety never ends and, like my marriage of 31 years, only grows deeper and more meaningful with each passing year.
Great post my friend. Fantastic.
Sherry
PS – I love kids shows too! Dexter’s Laboratory, Rocket Power, Hey Arnold, The Wild Thornberry’s, and Courage The Cowardly Dog are some of my all time favorites! Wait! There’s also Arthur on PBS and Invader Zim and Billy and Mandy and Phineas and Ferb.
I’m grateful for the gut-wrenching, hard-work of my early sobriety because it reminds me I can walk through Hell with the help of my Higher Power and my recovery friends. I’ve sat on my bathroom floor, with my head between my knees, sobbing in an emotional pain I didn’t think I could survive. It hurt worse than anything I have ever experienced, including child birth and root canals (at least I got drugs for those). My pink cloud had thunderbolts. At 2 1/2 years sober, I have more good days than bad and the bad days are turning around to good days a little faster. And, I’ve learned if I don’t want the thunderbolts, I probably should stop standing on clouds with metal rods in my hand.
Awesome post as always, Paul!
That’s a really interesting post. First time I’ve ever heard it, now I understand why someone can seem to do so well one day, and a while later, I hear they are back in the dumps….
Love this, Paul, and my takeaway is to be grateful for the pink cloud, and to use it to my advantage. I did not think you came across in any way but positive, and it is timely for me, because you can achieve pink clouds in other areas too; namely diet and fitness. I am going to take this message with me as I attempt all new endeavors… appreciate and utilize the pink clouds as they appear!
I will never forge my pink cloud. And by the way, this is the first time I’ve ever heard this term used before.
But I remember when I stopped drinking cold turkey, I was so scared of what my past had done to my body. I was forced to face it head on and whether or not I had caused problems internally, I knew one way or another, I would never have a drink again.
And after a few weeks of enduring this phase, the pink cloud had formed right on top of my head. I felt better about everything. I was running faster at the gym, I was no longer depending on alcohol for my head to hit the pillow hard and black out at night, and most importantly, I could focus again. This was what my mind had been craving ever since alcoholism clouded it. I needed to focus on my writing instead of selfishly loathing in my sorrows and self-pity.
It felt uplifting after awhile and I guess this was my pink cloud. Sooner or later, it faded, though. As you stated here, “Either I was a pissy cranky ogre, or I was a weepy, gleeful bag of goo. Not much in between, except perhaps a salad of contempt, sarcasm and crunchy self-pity croutons.” Well, I can relate to this one, Paul. I’m still trying to find a balance. That’s the journey for us as we are lead by Him.
And anything is better than being washed away by alcohol and all of its catastrophic ways of destroying just about everything good within our lives.
I read your post again because a few days back I didn’t have the time to reply. I completely agree with you! The pink cloud is a nice place to be and while I’m feeling less dragged down it’s a good time to move deeper into my healing. That’s what I’ve been doing lately. My husband is more involved in my recovery and we’ve begun therapy together. AA, my meetings, my sponsor, my family and my husband are one big circle of support. I can’t complain because things are going well. I hope the same for you, friend.
xoxo Fern
Really great. Once again the Canadian Kid knocks it out. No buzz-kill. Just brill.
I never thought of advising pink-clouders to use the moment to full advantage. Because you’re right, it is a window to get into action. While they still have some pep in their step and a spasm of enthusiasm. So thanks for that bit of wisdom. Strike while the iron is hot, baby. Hopefully I’ll be able to pass it along,
When it’s not too much trouble. Because so tired. Lazy.
Yeah, I’ve seen folks dig down into the steps after the bubble pops, but it seems at that point they’re in zombie trudge mode. The process is a lot less of a joyful self-discovery thing, and more like homework due on Monday.
That was me, by the way. I waited a year before I did any real work.
Hey. Why aren’t you surprised, Paul? Your not having a surprised look on your face is hurting my feelings. It’s damaging my self-esteem. And I want no part in it.
Pulling my hoodie over my headphones now,
going to stomp away in my flip-flops
Himalayan-wards.
Marius
with love