I’m on LinkedIn. For those who aren’t familiar with it, it’s a sort of Facebook for professionals. I’m not very active on it, but it seems to keep my email busy, as I get several notifications a day telling me that someone has linked to me, or joined my circle of pros. And sometimes they even “endorse” me, which is silly, as most people who endorse one of my skills have never even worked with me, let alone validate my superior abilities to a group of unknowns. It’s like high-fiving a one-armed man – a pointless exercise (unless you high-five his available hand, but you know where I am going with this poor simile). It’s clear they endorse me to get an endorsement in return, a sort of modem-to-modem mutual admiration society. Not interested.
Now, the only reason I bring up LinkedIn is that there is something that is both fascinating and creepy that happens when you mess about with it (or when it messes about with you). There is a little game that LinkedIn likes to play, and it’s called “Hey, if you know these folks, you might know these guys.” And then when you are crazy or bored enough to play the game, you are shown a list of faces and names that you really do know. It’s some sort of six-degrees-of-Kevin-Bacon separation mojo magic that the interweb goblins conjure up and slap you with. It’s like they’ve pulled out the Wand of Voodoo and post mug after mug of people that once crossed your path. It’s strange. Like they got into the musical of your life and published the program of it, understudies and all. All there in glorious colour. And hey, I have even seen some of you, my sober blogger friend, pop up…full name and place of work. But don’t worry, your secret and anonymity are safe with me. Shhhhhh….
I sometimes entertain this walk down memory lane. Unlike Facebook, where you would get high school or even grade school past besties and beasties, LinkedIn is all work. All business. And for me, that’s been a problem. You see, most of my harms were work-related. I’d say that 80% of my amends were to those I worked with or for. I owed some places money, but for the most part, I needed to make things right with a lot of folks I used to work alongside. Bosses, colleagues, staff…I have had to make amends to many. I still have a few outstanding. Work was where my alcoholism reared its ugly head. Work is where it played out often. Work is where I both hid it and didn’t hide it. Work was both a prison and a playground. I was at my best and worst at work.
Where I was once a great and proud employee throughout the years, my alcoholism brought me to a place where my reputation started to get tarnished. Where I once operated at nearly 100% effort given and sacrifice taken, I was at best a 10% employee by the end. I never lasted more than two or so years in one place. My industry is transitory in nature, but in comparison to many, I still jumped around a lot. Mini-geographicals, if you will. Trying to get away from me, while I was a stowaway to my own undoing. Where people once depended on me, they were worried about me. They didn’t know what to do with me, how to help me. I realize now that some of those who got angry at me and said hurtful things to me were concerned and didn’t know how to express themselves. There were some disappointed folks, and I now understand that they cared about me.
So the other day as I scrolled down this who’s-who of my not-so-golden past, I started to think back at the hurts and harms I caused some of these folks. I thought of how they just came to work to do their thing, with concerns of my own, and had to deal with a crazy dude like me. I can’t imagine I would have nearly the amount of patience and compassion that many of them showed me. I felt a lot of gratitude as I perused past the ageing and changing faces of these people I once stood shoulder-to-shoulder with. Whereas a few years ago I would have felt anger and resentment, I felt a calmness. Whereas a few years ago I would have shut the phone off in embarrassment and would have been ashamed, I felt a warm glow of humanity. These folks are just living their lives, trying to improve themselves, reaching out to guys like me to stay connected to.
The biggest surprise I have gotten are from those who I harmed in the past, and yet reached out to me first. I know that some of these guys felt that I didn’t need to make amends to them. They told me so. I still made some of those amends. Some of these guys and I had emotional, tear-filled conversations in my amends to them. Some of them thought that I wanted to meet them to punch them out or curse them, when really I wanted to tell them that I wronged them and wanted to know what I could do to make it right. It’s amazing the reaction I have had to all my amends to these people. What kindness I found out there. It showed me that I was completely and utterly wrong about people. And I am still wrong at times. There’s love in them there hills.
As I rolled past people from the old days, I had one overwhelming thought – that I wished them well. I never would have thought that in the past. I was too wrapped up in ego and pride, in anger and hurt, resentment and the wanting of getting in the last (spiteful) word. It’s not that I would have some sort of relationship (professional / friendship) with them now, but I wouldn’t be closed to the idea if something came up. But I know that many of those folks will remain in the background. And happily so. Making amends doesn’t mean that I am ready to hop on the horse and start riding into the sunset with others. It’s just to make things right and to release the hounds of forgiveness and resentment. It’s about cleaning up my side of the street. Regardless of their reactions, the fact that I did my best means that I take myself off the hook, so to speak. But I have yet to find a reaction that hasn’t been surprising and endearing.
I can’t change my past. I am not sure what these folks think of me or what has been said behind closed door and closed hands over ears, but it’s none of my business. I might have been the crazy drunk boss, or the pain-in-the-ass employee or the sad-and-pitiful comrade, but that isn’t me now. These folks aren’t thinking of me. They are living their lives – getting married, having kids, getting promoted, opening their own businesses, changing careers, falling in love. Their images and avatars on my screen are only images that I decide how to react to. They can either be reminders of past pains, or windows into people who came into my life for a reason. People who showed me compassion and empathy. People I harboured anger against because they had something in them that I couldn’t stand about myself. They all brought me clarity, in a kind of way, after I did the work in pinpointing their roles in my life.
Like everyone else who has entered my life, I am linked to all these guys in a deeper way. They may never know it, though. I stepped on these people’s toes and they retaliated. Who wouldn’t in the states I found myself in? Hey, one of these very guys is in my recovery circle now. I met one of my old employees, a guy I used to drink with, in the rooms of AA about a year ago. We still talk and hit meetings and go for coffee. He struggles with doing the work. He still holds anger and resentment. I can only offer my support and my own experience. It shows me the value of releasing and letting go of that which doesn’t serve me. I am linked to a great power than myself and that has given me the direction and nudgings in my life that bring me to a place of peace and serenity. I am linked to a power that shows Himself to me in those that I meet, or those who I have met earlier in my life. He shows me His love in the eyes of those who flash past me on my tiny phone screen, or the man or woman sitting across from me on the street or church basement.
I have a long ways to go in terms of growth, but noticing my reaction to these faces from the past brought me a measure of peace. It showed me that the path that I am on, the path that others have kindly helped me along, is one I need to be on. My serenity, and life even, depends on this. We are all linked, in one form or another, in fellowship and in humanity. And for that, I am grateful.
Thank you for being here.
Sometimes, along the way to somewhere else, grateful is enough.
I wish you well also, Paul.
OK PAUL,…..Let me give your first Marketing Lesson 101…Don’t be bagging on one of my favorite author, book and blog/website media sites!….LOL. There is a huge load of peeps there in, work in, addiction and recovery area’s. There are also fantastic readers, writers, bloggers groups there as well.
For me, a person in recovery, it’s a way I build trust with others, because as we know in recovery, there is much stigma floating around about “people in recovery” not being trust-worthy, well, just the uninformed people who choose to be ignorant. HA HA!
Why I prefer LinkedIn over Facebook ANYDAY is that when you meet people and connect there, at least you know they are not SPAMBOTS…..Most the time! I have made really good contacts & recovery friends there too 🙂
It helps me build a bigger exposure for my book, and my many book promo clients. You can share all your blog posts there, and more!
Did you know I’m doing Book & Media promo’s? On my other Fab WordPress site: Lyon Media & Book Promotions!
http://anAuthorandWriterinProgress.wordpress.com
I know,….Shameless Plug!
Hugs & Blessings my good friend,
*Cat* (Catherine) 🙂 XoXo
This is a great post (as usual) Paul! It touched me in many ways, it shows that you are at peace with yourself and who you are, you have the courage to own your past instead of excusing and ignoring it. Your integrity allows you to admit your mistakes and effects you have had on other people in the past. You are simply, a beautiful soul. *hugs*
Paul, how wonderful that you were able to forgive, make amends and let go of past anger. It’s one of the hardest things. It’s easy to lose perspective – like you said, these people are just going about their lives. And how great the reactions you’ve received after getting in touch again. I stand in admiration. xx
For some crazy reason I have a linkin page too! and it has crossed my path a few times in past few days. I have never been a professional anything. not in the sense of what that site is about.
Paul your humor in all of this is refreshing when our recovery process is a very serious life changing experience. Anger, resentment, and darn right ignorance on our part are road blocks for sure. Finding the peace and serenity within humanity is an amazing heart opening vision of reality. Where our drinking drunk mind and spirit blamed others found fault in everyone the clarity arrives when we get out of our own way. People really do so up when we are linked within !
What a liberating feeling…to think about those in your past and feel in your heart (and gut) that you “wish them well.” I know that feeling! It’s whispered in your brain, felt in your heart and exhaled with the breath that leaves your lungs. So good!
I just love everything you’ve been writing, Paul. You have the unique ability to keep an audience engaged with poignancy and perfectly timed and inserted humor. You rock! xo
I have over 500 connections on LinkedIn which is a mad number really and like you when some of them endorse me I do wonder.
It’s a testament to your character that you reach out to these people and apologize for the way you treated them. Well done, sir.
Thanks for the good literature. I am moving back to live with the active drinker and praying for program spirit Xxx
Cool post Paul. Yeah, those lists of faces on LinkedIn are odd aren’t they? When you find someone by searching and then want to connect, LinkedIn is quite stern, asking how you know them and what their e-mail address is or it won’t let you link. They say it is to protect people’s privacy from unwanted and useless connections. Then they will arbitrarily send these great lists of people many of whom, as you said, you met somewhere and offers to connect you with them. I guess LinkedIn wouldn’t be much use if they didn’t let people connect.
All that aside, it’s great that you can look at these people, some of whom you’ve treated poorly, and feel comfortable and at peace. And see them for themselves rather than as a part of their relationship with you. There are some in my life that I cannot do that with and likely never will – and I haven’t been through the struggles that you have.
Congrats Paul, sounds like you are well along the path of healing.
I found your post quite helpful. There’s a lot to be said for this process of digging deep, owning our crap, and letting go. Thank you for posting this. Your honesty and sincerity are refreshing.
I doubt I’m reinventing the wheel with this comment, but I still want to add how inspired I am by you, by your recovery, and by your writing. I’ve said it before: you blaze the trail for the rest of us, Paul! What a fabulous journey you are taking, and I am honored to witness it. Thanks for sharing this beautiful analogy/thought process with us!
PS… am listening to Mumford and Sons now, apparently I need to spend more time on YouTube 🙂
Paul, you are so funny. I was laughing out loud with your opening joke. 🙂
I like when you impart your wisdom within your witty posts about recovery. It certainly gives me something to consider.
I have yet to make amends or learn to let go of my past. I’ve got shitloads of shame from the stuff I did before I started drinking in isolation. I mean way back to my high school years. It’s one of the reasons I started to hide when I drank. I don’t friend anyone on Facebook and I ignore all Linked-in requests. I avoid my past like the plaque and it’s probably something that needs to be addressed…at some point in time.
Ah, there is much work to be done.
Fern
I loved this on so many levels. I love your depth. You always make me think and reflect.
Paul,
Great read! Social media and an amends list. Who knew? But this is such a fantastic way to get into the guts of our past to track our patterns, harms and well, “expertise”.
Hope this finds you well. I’ve been quiet as we had to deal with some teen issues with my 16 yo.
Hugs,
Linda
Paul, I can’t tell you how much I admire your honesty. I can’t even begin to imagine the person you once filtered your true being through. You speak of him but I know nothing about him… because the person I see and read about today is such a remarkable human being… sharing his gifts with the rest of the world to help inspire and uplift.
I can’t say that I ever did harm to people I have worked for and with from my past struggles with alcoholism. I never drank on the job because I worked with kids and had to drive them around. But as soon as I got home, bottles flung open and didn’t stop until my head crashed hard against my pillow… completely blacked out.
I did, however, cause a lot of harm to my sisters; especially my middle one. We were closer than two peas in a pod growing up; only 13 months apart. She had my back and I had hers. I loved her dearly and still do to this day. We suffered together when my father was murdered and she was there for me when my dump of a biological burden came crashing down on me and then only to leave me broken into pieces when he chose his new family over the love of a daughter.
My alcoholism destroyed my sister and I’s relationship. There were countless fights, both physical and mental, all caused by my incoherent slurs and slamming toward her. It breaks my heart to even think about those days because my sister IS MY HEART. Today, I am still trying to put together whatever we have left. If I said it was easy, I’d be lying. She is proud of my sobriety and says she has forgiven me. But I want more. I want that relationship we had before alcohol ripped her away from me.
Again, truly good thoughts here, my friend. Thanks for sharing.
I think the world would be a better place if everyone cared about making amends, not just those in recovery. It is a peaceful feeling to not cringe every time I come across someone from my past and to recognize that we’re all equally human and fallible. As usual, an honest and inspiring post, Paul!
You, sir, are a gentleman.
Good stuff man. I hadn’t read this one yet. I really appreciate the balance of pathos and humor in your posts. Thanks again.
LinkedIn is crazy with how they can pull people out of your past. I read an article about that awhile back where the author was *sure* it was pulling some sort of privacy abuse with our email access (or “coworker finder” or whatever they call it). I think it’s so spectacular that you have gotten to that place of wishing people well, of NOT cringing when you see someone who might have brought up shame earlier on in your recovery. I aspire to be like you 🙂 The wishing well isn’t that hard for me but the not cringing part is tough. Maybe it gets better with a few more years under my belt, like you have. Thanks for the post! Hugs to you!