Getting The Skinny On The Skinny


1000x1000

Dude…carbs! You forgot the carbs! For the love of Nancy, grab a sesame seed bagel!

 

Here’s how it happened:

 

I am running and starting to see some changes in my body.

I am losing some weight and I am starting to look and feel better.

I am starting to think that perhaps I need to lose just a little bit more, quicker, so that I can run better.

I am so very grateful for having been able to race and to have great things going on in my life.

I am thinking that laxatives, other pills and perhaps some planned starvation would be great for me to drop weight suddenly.

I am thinki- WHAT?  Wait, back up there, cowboy.

You want to what?

Step away from that horse, pardner.  Let’s just see what happened there.

 

Recap:

1) Grateful to be happy, healthy and free.

2) Want to take pills and take behaviours that will change my body drastically and bolster my ego.

Hmmmmmm…that ain’t right, is it?  Call NASA and get Hubble to take a closer look at this. Might as well, because it sounds like some alien that came from outer space.  Straight from the Nebula of Atrocious, Galaxy of Idea. A crass shooting star of a notion cutting across an otherwise tranquil night painted with the soft glow and hum of the distant universe.

 

Oh hello, dum dum...

Oh that’s a *great* idea, dum dum…

 

A strange and dodgy whim.  Like getting the name of that new hottie you just met a week ago tattooed on your chest.  The one with no job and a piercing through their forehead. The one you know is the one.  For now.  Until another crossed wire stabs your brain and decides that bungee jumping off the local AT&T tower is yet another grand platter of an idea.  And yet, knowing intellectually what the dangers of playing with eating and health would expose, knowing the physical consequences, understanding that I could compromise so much of my body…the thought danced about, partnering with the not-so-pretty twinsies Justification and Rationalization.  Even knowing that it was much more than just wanting to fit into a size whatever (us guys don’t mess with numbers, just letters like XL, L, M…you know, which are really Roman…numerals.  Numbers.  Oh never mind).

And yet.

I brought this up the other day to John, an old timer friend of mine (who I have written about before, here and here) who just gets it. Yeah, you know, those annoying folks who just seem to have an answer for everything.  Yoda-like musings with a gentle voice and smug grin. I guess 25+ years of truth seeking and spiritual progress will do that to a guy.  Go figure.  I told him about my impulse, which wasn’t so much an impulse anymore, and had grabbed traction, like an eagle wrapped around a tasty Coho salmon.  He just smiled (why do they always smile when they are about the lay the jam down?)  and asked me what it was about.

“Well,” I started, taking a chug of my weak vanilla flavoured coffee.

“Yes?” he moved closer to the table.

“I think it’s just another way of the illness [alcoholism] trying to manifest.  I think it’s that same feeling that I need to change and control something.  I think it’s all coming from the same place that all those other -ism’s come from.”

“And what place is that?”

“Um…” I started, trailing off.

Well, he had me there.

I chewed over the question.  I felt like a newcomer talking to John.  I thought I had so many answers, and yet, when presented with what I considered an easy question, I failed to complete the mission.  I had to admit in feeling odd in not having an insight into my own behaviours, considering I spend a lot of time doing so.  And yet, I knew that being with John was just another way of tapping into something I wasn’t aware of.  The Creator working through others.  But I was still unsure of where he was going with it.

It always equals 0, doesn't it?  So why bother then?

It’s all seems easy when it always equals 0, doesn’t it? So why bother then?  I think they just make this stuff up.  But then again, these crazy digits and symbols keep planes in the sky, don’t they?  I’m tired.

“I’m not sure, John,” I finally responded.

He held his pose and took a pause. Then that smile again.

“It’s that place of not thinking you’re worth it.”

Lowers goes the boom.

And he nailed it.  It didn’t hit me right away, but instinctively, I knew he was right.  I wouldn’t have pegged it so quickly.  I was looking for a more convoluted answer, looking for something a little bit more Brain than Pinky.  I was doing mental whirling dervishes while he sat like Caine in Kung Fu and blew my mind with simple words.  That’s why I enjoy being with John.  We have great conversations and he will often drop a Spiritual Suplex on me, leaving me breathless against the mat.

This idea of me not feeling worthy was a surprise.  I had been feeling great as of late (or had it been merely a delusion?) and hadn’t felt any sort of sorrow or depletion in my sense of self-worth or value.  I hadn’t entertained any sort of self-sabotage (blinded by the light?) or felt any need to self-medicate in any way.  Hell, even my sugar thing has abated into some sort of “normalcy” (that’s a post for another day).  Lots of fantastic things have happened as of late, so I have been riding a healthy buzz lately…so surely there hadn’t been any need to do the waltz with the fear of success (you sure?) So where and how did this idea that I am not worth anything crop up, and guise itself in the form of grossly adjusting my body tout suite? Hmmmmm….

Fast forward a few days later. I was at work, and found myself getting into some uncomfortable gastro-intestinal distress.  Out of nowhere. Enough that I was barely able to move or even tie my shoe laces.  It was if I were allergic to gluten and then decided to gorge myself at the closest French bakery.  Not fun.  So as I rode my bike to the pharmacy, this idea of a laxative came back to me.  I rationalized and justified that yes, this was a proper way to use them.  I wouldn’t be abusing anything, right?  I mean, who doesn’t need help now and then in the gut rot department?  I even picked up a box of them to read the instructions.  When I saw the words “works overnight” I thought – hey!  No fair! I have to wait all night for these things to work?  And then the second horrifying thought popped up – I was looking for immediate satisfaction.   If I couldn’t drop those pounds in an hour or so, then why bother at all? I wanted something, anything, to work right away.  Just like chugging back those first shots of booze.  Why would I drink booze if the effects wouldn’t hit me until the next day?  I doubt anyone would drink, period.  So that old instant gratification thing jumped on me right out of the blue.

Hey-Mr.-Skinny

I wish. I am usually too busy just eating ribs, let alone letting my own protrude from my midsection. Leave us alone, bully!

Chilling.

In the end, spiritual justice held sway.  I said a little prayer to The Maker and banished these thoughts.  Saw them for the charlatans that they were.  Impostors to the Real Truth. And that is, I am fine as I am.  I am fine.  Capisce?  I grabbed some chewable gassy thingies (cherry flavoured!) and went on my merry way.  The thought deflated considerably.  The feeling of trying to contort and twist and give life a noogie no longer interested me.  Surrendered once again.

You see, trying to sabotage myself was another way of my old ways and self trying to impose themselves on me.  Sorry little dudes, I have too much going on to tear down over a stray thought or even a persistent thought.  The take away on this summer repeat episode of my so-called-life is that these things will come up.  Simple as that.  My job, or at least my view of it, is to ride it out.  Point it out, like a thug at a police lineup and then deal with it.  And move on.  Voila.  These things will happen, yo.  That’s it.  I can’t control it, but I can control my reaction to them.  Thoughts will pop up and they will try to break into the cabin and commandeer the plane on a trippy ride, but they’re just thoughts.

Not reality.

So I am fine where I’m at.  I really am.  As are you.  My weight will go where my weight will go.  As it’s always gone.  I have had many people notice my thinning out, as they do when I am thickening out.  But that’s fine too. The irony of those thoughts I had was that the more I “disappeared” (lost weight in leaps and bounds) the more I would “appear” (in appeal, discussion, ego-related endeavors) to others. Crazy thinking, yes?  Old, crazy thinking.  The kind of thinking that kept me clutching those bottles like they were life’s blood itself.

Knowing and understanding where these thoughts originate and take us is part of the journey.  Recognizing them for what they are – and aren’t – comes with time and with counsel.  It comes with being open to answers.  It comes with being in touch with both pain and experience.  It comes with the radiance of staying true to ourselves and distancing ourselves from our False Selves.  And this has been another part of my journey.  Important and yet not important.  Valuable.

In the end, regardless of my ego’s bidding, and where Old Paul wants to take me, I know that being enough is where it’s at.  It’s not a number on a scale, or a number on a lotto ticket, or a number on a bar tab, or a number of a dealer.  Those numbers certainly have our number…eventually.  But it’s about being comfortable in my own skin.  It’s knowing that no matter what, I am where I am needed to be.  What my own weeny goals are are nothing compared to the goals The Creator has in store for me.  Lofty shit, I admit.  Hard to keep a straight typing face when I write that even, considering I am the one who has to look at himself in the mirror and see that pudgy belly, but it’s true.  Even if I don’t believe it some of the time. But I do it because doing it the other way – my way – kept me drunk and sick. And I don’t have to be drunk to still be sick.  No matter how big or small I am.  It’s what’s inside that counts.

 

I'll take a double portion, dammit.

I’ll take a double portion, dammit.

 

~~~~~~~~~

 

Now, before anyone starts to worry and wonder if I am now flirting with an eating disorder, please understand that I am not going down that road.  I have too robust an appetite (and strange tendency to want to keep it all in after it’s down my pie hole) to even get into casual starvation. (Frankly, I am too busy finding a meal between breakfast and brunch). I certainly know that many, including alcoholics and addicts, struggle with eating issues of all kinds, and so I  don’t mention this stuff lightly.  I apologize if this hit close to home for some readers, in that department.  There are certainly ways to find help and support for any eating disorders, or even if you think you may have an ED.  

57 responses to “Getting The Skinny On The Skinny

    • Yes, damn them, with their spry ways and oh-so-tasty morsels of wisdom. How dare they inflict that on us heathen? lol. I hope to be like that one day!

      Thanks M…hope you have a wonderful day!

      Paul

  1. Just a slippery slope so easy to follow. It’s all about control and instant gratification, isn’t it? Great thoughts, and well done for recognizing it for what it is. Very insightful post!

    • Thanks, Doctor 🙂

      Control and instant grat…yup. Easy to have and want in our times. I can order stuff and get it on my front doorstep in hours or overnight. Why wait for anything when I can get it NOW? Huh…looks like I have to dial that down a bit, especially when it comes to my health. Did enough damage as it is!

      thank you so much for reading 🙂

      Paul

  2. I’ve lost 30 lbs in the last year from 220 to 190. Given my height, that is a good direction to be heading. My over-eating came from the same place as my drinking, I would eat a double dinner or double desert all hours of the day to alter my feelings or moods, to numb myself like booze. It was a cycle of binge and purge.

    But slimming down kicks in a simliar “ism” and mental space…that perfectionist streak and not accepting things and myself as I am. I can’t go in all purge mode. And yesterday, I over ate for the first time in a month, so I am all bloated and groggy – hung over I would say. Will have to take it easy and get to a meeting today.

    • I am so glad you swung by. I read some of your work on your blog, and I think I need to read more. I am really happy to also know another sober dad, and of two elementary school aged children, like me. Not many of us out here 🙂

      Anyway, I too would numb with food. Sometimes I catch myself doing it. What has helped me is in this marathon training, in that it makes me want to eat healthier. And of course eating healthier means a finer functioning body, whether there is weight loss or not. Just like a typical alkie, if a little is good a LOT must be better…ha ha.

      Hope you are feeling better today, brother. Meeting is a good start. Perhaps I should hit one this week. Been some time since I’ve done that 🙂

      Blessings – and really glad you’re here.

      Paul

  3. It’s called second breakfast. You know, the meal between breakfast and brunch? I often partake 😉 In all seriousness tho, that feeling of not being worth it can come back to get you in the weirdest and worst ways. I’m glad you had someone to counsel you on it and help you see where it was coming from. Just thoughts. Not reality. That’s a good mantra really.

    • I enjoy a second brekkie, actually…considering that some days (like today) I get up very early, so even though my body could easily have a burger (like at 10 am), I just scratch together an oatmeal or banana until the good stuff comes later 🙂

      But yeah, that feeling struck me out of nowhere (seemingly) and like I said, it’s not like I *feel* bad about myself. But those thoughts can be buggers, eh? Wreck my whole serenity thing for a moment or two.

      Not reality… 🙂

      thanks for being here, Rebecca. Hope you’re keeping well 🙂

      Blessings,
      Paul

  4. I’m glad to see how you work things out in your head and with others. Before you even got to the conversation with John I knew the basis for the idea was a lack of self-worth. That’s pretty much where all my thinking problems stem from.

    Have you not been listening to all your bogging fans? We love you just as you are. You are smart, funny, well-written and inspirational.

    Seriously, though, I completely understand how easy it is to lose sight of the Creator’s plan and before you know it, the ego tries to take over. Good for you for thwarting it!

    xoxo Fern

    • Ego is a bitch, ain’t (s)he? I am glad you got it before I did…ha ha. Sometimes I am blinded by the obvious. As I mentioned, it’s confounding because it didn’t “feel” like that was the thing, this lack of self-worth. I guess I need more work than I do. Or maybe it’s just time to leave it to Him to deal with. He’s better at this stuff than I am 😉

      Thanks Fern for the encouragement – you rock 🙂

      Hugs,
      Paul

  5. You are such a gifted writer and I thoroughly enjoyed every bit–down to the last compassionate paragraph about eating disorders.
    I used to treat eating disorders, had a sister with serious anorexia and always felt outside my comfort zone in this space even though I lived it (in some form) every day.
    You’ve probably noticed that running in and of itself is a bit of a crazy thing. Even with my own education and self-awareness that number on the scale used to thump me, too. Kudos to you for recognizing little signals, but don’t feel alone in it. I think it’s a natural control tendency–control the miles/beat the pace, control the number on the scale/lower it by one.
    Now–for something a little less serious. Where are we gonna go eat between breakfast and lunch? I little light something with lots of chocolate and caramel?

    • Thank you Michelle – you are always so generous with your comments 🙂

      I am trying to trust the process, as you mentioned via the control the process / pace / miles / number on scale. Ironically enough, my pace has gotten a bit faster, even though I am running through a small injury (I am taking the next two days off). So I am just sticking to my plan and leaving the results to the Universe to handle.

      As for the new meal period we are inventing / discovering, I imagine something shiny and sparkly. To entice the unbelievers. Chocolate is the base. After that, the world is your tasty oyster 🙂

      Have a wonderful weekend, mi amiga!

      Paul

  6. Thank you so much for this post! I’m approaching a year of sobriety & just this week started getting all of these thoughts about speeding up the weight loss I’ve had as a combination of (a) not dumping thousands of calories in my body via alcohol and (b) running. I felt weird about it & have talked to my sponsor who told me to examine my motives…which I have been avoiding…until I clicked on your site today! God working through you (and John) – thank you!

    • Congrats on your almost a year!

      Checking your motives – I have to get that tattooed on my forehead. That’s the mantra I love and yet don’t examine enough. Your sponsor is a smart cookie (low-fat type). Funny you mention losing weight after stopping drinking – I gained! But that was all sugar (which I have written about several times here). But I am so glad that I am not alone in this! I wasn’t sure about writing this, but glad that I did now. I have made your acquaintance 🙂

      Thank you for being here 🙂

      Paul

  7. Such a great reminder that it’s about so much more than just not drinking. I know that the root of my self-sabotage roots from not feeling like I’m enough and when I remember that I’m enough just as God made me, I’m less likely to try to fill that hole with something else. For me, it’s the tendency to want to buy things. For others it’s food or sex or whatever. It’s humbling to me when those feelings come out of nowhere. I love that you recognized the twisted thinking and surrendered a little deeper.

    • You know, I have had those times where buying things feels pretty darn good. Almost…release like. Few and far between, but I recognized them for what they were – a way to get out of self for a moment, to get that buzz, if you will. So I check my motives on that one – do I need X, Y or Z, or am I just charging up my card to charge up myself temporarily?

      It really is more than just not drinking…self examined life, etc.

      Thank you for this, Karen – great comments 🙂

      Paul

  8. At the kids say these days…

    OMG, OMG, OMG, OMG.

    You need to go read my latest post. Holy mackerel Paul, it’s like we’re twins separated at birth!!!

    Just so you know, and I hope you feel complimented by, you are my Old John. You have a way of thinking about matters that feels advanced to my own. Not putting myself down, but hopefully I am lifting you up!

    I will also compliment your ability to go to John with this in the first place. At no point in time did I consider “bothering” my sponsor with this, and how sad is that? So thanks for the gentle reminders all over the damned place!

    I’ve got some pondering to do, and I am so grateful that your gave me the direction in which to ponder, Paul!

    • Yes! I was laughing as I went to your blog and read what you read before you posted here! We certainly are on the same wavelength (and we’ve been saying that for some time now, haven’t we??)

      You teach me as much as I may reveal to you, Josie. God doesn’t put two people together to just help the one 🙂

      I try not to bother too much, but when I pointed in the direction I do my best to go there (I ignored that tonight about hitting a meeting…so I still haven’t gone, Josie. I had two big signs tonight that I should go and ignored them. See? I still try to control things and ignore the good stuff. Ugh)

      Have a wonderful weekend!

      Paul

  9. As someone with an eating disorder, even while “fat”, control is a huge issue. During the periods that my disorder is “controlled” I tend to start drinking excessively. It’s always going to be trying to “fix” something or have total control in a situation. Impossible.

    I keep hoping one day to find myself OK with where and what I am, or to be “good enough”. I am nowhere near there, and may not be for years still, but hearing stories like yours gives me some hope.

    • I understand exactly how you feel.
      Forever trying to fix myself has just worn me out. I’m working hard on acceptance through surrender.

    • You know, Sheena, I had you in mind when I was writing this. And I am so glad that you stopped by to give me your thoughts – I was looking forward to them. That idea of “fixing” ourselves manifests in so many ways, eh? Your is the opposite of mine. And that’s no surprise. We all come from the same place, even if the mechanism is different.

      I too hope that both you and I can say to ourselves “I am good enough” and know deep down in our hearts we mean it. I get glimpses of it, Sheena, and it feels nice. I just need more of that juice when I am feeling down.

      Thank you so much for being here – means the world to me. 🙂

      Hugs,
      Paul

  10. Holy crap dude…did you write this about me? (Because, duh, it’s ALL about me. Oops…there goes another alkie issue. Damn.)

    Anyway, I know you know that I’ve been struggling with this same thing (the man in the mirror so to speak) and have been wondering why I keep sabotaging my progress every time I drop a few pounds? WTF yo? I have taken in and let out my trousers about five times now (they are currently out) and it was really starting to piss me off because I didn’t know WHY.

    And then, out of the blue, the Big Guy has me reading a post of someone I admire very much and in that post he says (types) the magic words…“It’s that place of not thinking you’re worth it.” Busted.

    Guess I’ve got some work to do. Thank you, thank you, thank you for helping me understand what the heck is going on with me.

    And dude come on…I’ve seen pictures – you’re a hottie. 😉

    Namaste my friend,
    Sherry

    • It’s always about us, isn’t it? lol

      I am glad this resonated, Sherry. I have just as much work too…sigh. Remember when wine took all that crap away. And then it didn’t work anymore. Then wine became it’s own problem. Ugh. Icky. So here we are managing this stuff in sobriety, and it can be tough, but man, when we get it, we GET it. And that’s something I never could have done back then. That’s growth (of all kinds! ha ha).

      Thanks for your groovy comments – you rock 🙂

      Paul

  11. “Dude…carbs! You forgot the carbs! For the love of Nancy”
    –H I L A R I O U S!!! Love the opener Paul. I, once again, literally laughed out loud. “for the love of Nancy”, that’s classic.
    “I wanted something, anything, to work right away.”
    –Oh yes, the joys of post-modernism and the microwave era of instant gratification.

    Anyhow, W O W! Great post, my friend. I, for one, am in a constant battle with my body-image. It’s crazy. I think you read my post before, “Your butt is too small… What?”, where I address this issue of western culture’s idea of physical beauty and perfection. I am certified in fitness and nutrition and highly regard eating healthy and getting physical exercise. However, I am (like all humans) an extremist. CRAZY! My husband thinks I’m skinny. My in-laws think I’m skin and bones. I have, what others here consider an awesome body, yet I’m still not satisfied. I like what John said, ““It’s that place of not thinking you’re worth it.”
    And yes, he really did hit the nail on the head. It’s not that I totally think that i’m not worth it as a human being. However, I end up comparing myself with other body-types and striving to shape, mould and create a body that perhaps isn’t naturally mine. So then, it is a matter of “not thinking I’m worth it”. Sooooooo crazy, don’t you think? And yes, I am one of those people that steers clear from carbs. Rarely eat bread, almost never rice (rice is a daily lunch thing here), and I substitute pasta with squash.

    At any rate, I will be traveling to Canada for 5 weeks next month and so I have myself on another crazy fit/health challenge. I know that in Canada I will end up gaining a bit, and so I find myself wanting to lose as much as I can before I get there. I’m sure my hubby is going to return from his travels at the end of the month and tell me that I’m starting to get ugly because of too much weight loss.

    Huge hug and many blessings.
    Staci

    • You know, a million years ago, I believe there was a made-for-TV movie on anorexia, and I think the dad did actually use that line – for the love of Nancy, have a bagel (or something else) – for some reason it stuck. Glad you liked it 🙂

      Amazing how the cultural “norm” (bad word, I know) of what a woman “should”
      look like changes drastically. Especially when you look around the globe and see how different cultures and countries approach it. Comparing is normal – we all do it. I guess in the end I start to see my body as a container for me, and as long as I treat it well, it will continue to serve my spirit. So I know I am not going to get rock hard abs, so who cares? I just want to not croak at 45 from a heart attack, you know?

      I can’t do the no carbs thing – but I am trying to reduce it. So good for you!

      You’re coming to Canada??! Yay! Oh please tell me you will be in the Toronto area? It would break my heart if you didn’t swing by 🙂 But that’s okay if not – it’s still nice knowing you’re up here for a bit.

      Hugs back,

      Paul

      • “I start to see my body as a container for me, and as long as I treat it well, it will continue to serve my spirit.”
        –That’s exactly it. Our body’s are subject to space and time. They will eventually age and die. God has put eternity in the heart’s of men, and I believe that is why it is so difficult to accept that one day we’re here and then all-o-a-sudden gone – no more. I firmly believe that our bodies are just exactly that, “a container”. I like to say tent. I am not may body. I have a body. It serves as a house for me – my spirit.

        No 😦 Boo hoo. I will only be transferring planes in Toronto en route to Vancouver. Sooooo wish I could spend a day in Toronto, just to meet you and your family. That would be so awesome.

        Hugs and blessings.
        Staci

  12. Oh gah, I love/hate the newcomer feeling. Well, my ego hates it, but my discover-er self loves it. I’m usually so happy to find another reason why I am the way I am. It really does all boil down to being just fine, right now, just the way things are.

    • Ha ha…yes, the ego hates anything that actually serves us in a higher way, doesn’t it?? I think you are doing great at the feeling fine thing…even when you’re not. You’re on fire, Amy. Keep illuminating and inspiring us 🙂

      Hugs,
      Paul

  13. Oh my…completely figured out the exact direction of this post in the first couple of sentences. There has to be something profound here about addiction…Just literally that in a bold, blanket statement.The chronic urge to fix a need, feeling, problem etc. with something “quick.” I so know this trick, talent or habit. Me to a tee.

    • DB!! I wish I had your insight when it came to this! I was like a turtle in peanut butter on this one. The chronic need to fix…yeah, we are like that, aren’t we? Hard to break the old habit, even when we’ve broken the BIG habit. Glug Glug, yes? The urge shift-changes a bit, sneaky devil!

      Glad to know that I’m not alone, my friend. Thank you for being here 🙂

      Love and light,
      Paul

  14. Great post. Running helped me lose weight I never lost through other exercise. I lost a good chunk of weight (pun intended) and still compare that number with what I think other women weigh, with my high school weight, with the lowest edge of the BMI chart. Meanwhile, I think I’m fine. I know it. Fine. And as far as the temptation to have an eating disorder…I’ve thought similar thoughts too. Like, binge eating would be so much easier if I did the purge part. Fortunately that sort of faded on its own time. Like you, always looking for a meal in between breakfast and brunch (ha, loved that).

    • Thanks Kristen. Glad to hear that I am not alone in this. I think that the thoughts cross our minds, but for the most part, we don’t give them the space they probably want. Because we *are* fine, aren’t we? Hell, look at what we’ve come through. This certainly isn’t going to knock us down, eh? Running and eating well (and snacking on devilish goods at times!) and all that stuff – a far cry from where we started.

      I will come up with a cookbook for what to make for that new meal period 🙂

      Paul

  15. Great post Paul. I skirted bulimia in college, luckily it got away from that quickly. Alcohol took much longer. Now I snack while watching The Biggest Loser. It took a lot of years to get to I’m worth it, but now I think I am.
    Sharon

    • Glad that you got away from the eating disorder, Sharon. I think it’s certainly different for women than men, clearly. Alcohol and drugs certainly are tied into many ED’s and so is mental health. Lots of cross-addictions and dual diagnoses. So I think it’s important that people do discuss it. Overeating is also up there, and I can speak more to that, although I skirted that myself. But I got close 🙂

      Thank you for sharing, Sharon. Means a lot 🙂

      Paul

  16. It’s so hard sometimes not to follow the trend of instant gratification and wanting everything to happen now. I’ve had the same thoughts before when I first started running. As someone who has an addictive tendency, I can relate! I’ve been addicted to food, running, going to the gym, love, and I briefly flirted with an addiction to alcohol several years ago. It wasn’t until I started to value myself that I stopped putting so much value in everything else. A hard lesson to learn! Great post and good luck with the running!

    • I think what you say is wise, Lauren. Valuing ourselves – what a concept! Oh my, when we are caught up in our addictions (of all kinds and colours), self-worth takes second seat. We are caught up in seeking validation from the externals. I still do that, in milder ways. So giving other things and people power, well, that doesn’t do much for us, does it?

      Not an easy lesson to learn, but when we learn it (and RE-learn it!), then things go smoother for us. I am so happy that you have seen this. Welcome back to the blogging world 🙂

      And thanks for your wonderful comments.

      Paul

  17. OM Goodness … am I done scrolling? I had to stop reading replies. I almost forgot what I wanted to say I got caught up in the ‘reply conversation’ …

    The line that struck me was when you stated that you, ‘said a prayer to The Maker to banish the thoughts’ (paraphrasing). I love the simplicity—subtlety—of this tool. This is the instant gratification we sought. We get it when we go to The Maker. The work we do (when we are about our day) is clearing the channels so that we can receive The Maker in that instant.

    For me, I will never be without a place to grow more in Love with The Maker. I see the lessons as my Earthly job.

    (Might be my favorite post of all time. Every word resonated at a personal level. Love how us addicts have to overdo everything. xoxox)

    • thanks Lisa! Love certainly is the deal here, isn’t it? I need to remember this more and more, Lisa. I really do. Even when I am down and out, I have to remember that the Maker is still around. I just have to clear the fog to feel Him.

      Thank you for the warm comments – so glad it resonated 🙂

      Blessings and hugs,
      Paul

  18. I needed to read this today so badly. Thank you, Paul! My whole life I’ve struggled with not being “blank” enough: thin, smart, beautiful, outgoing, BLAH BLAH BLAH. It’s exhausting. Alcohol quieted those nagging voices. I have these moments where all seems well, then all of a sudden, the nagging voices within start up again. Acceptance. Acceptance. Acceptance. I am feeling squirrelly lately, but I know it’s because I cannot control what is going on with me legally. And the not knowing is killing me. My anxiety is back with a vengeance. I just need to accept and trust that I will be okay. I am currently where I am meant to be. The universe will not give me more than I can handle. I am strong! And so are you. 🙂

    Cheers, friend!

  19. OMG! You had me laughing all the way! And you know that’s only because I can completely relate. I did stop and paused, what if it did take overnight to get drunk!? Oh good grief! The planing would be just horrible! Lol! Or maybe I could drink all day at work and then be drunk by the time I got home. .. not too bad, right, but then what to do the next day?! Omg. Lol! Ok enough of that!

    Anyway, you hit some really good points here Paul, I certainly want everything fixed right now and I know (lol) that I can keep improving on whatever I just fixed! He he The being good enough just as I am, much better than used to be, but, well still work in progress. 🙂

    Thanks Paul!

  20. Whoah, I was worried there for a moment. Do you think it’s somehow related to your recent anniversary? A little subconscious self-sabotage? Whatever it is, you’ve got it under control. Keep healthy. Keep eating. Let your body find its own shape as you run it out into the world.

Whatcha Thinkin' ?

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s