(Emb)race Day, Or, Two Minutes For Looking So Good


Probably some lame street sweeper driver wrote this.  Loser.
Probably some lame street sweeper driver wrote this. Whatever, Andretti. Loser.

Some of you are familiar with the morning scramble.  And I’m not talking huevos rancheros here. It’s that we’re-going-to-be-late-if-we-don’t-get-our-socks-and-shoes-on scramble that occurs just inside the front door, amidst a flurry of backpacks, gloves on the wrongs hands and a pile of protests that would shame the House of Commons.  Inevitably, as the sock and shoe debacle ensues, there is the unspoken sparkle in the air – the race is on.  And as the two boys hurry to win the World Shoe Putting On Championship, it’s inevitable that the one who is about to lose will announce with the gravitas and wisdom of an Abe Lincoln speech “it’s not a race.”  Yeah, right. It’s the mental preparation for the letdown.  A dismissive waving of the white flag.  An indifferent gesture to let the other competitor know that it’s just a childish game anyway, and I will get you next time.  But for now, I will ride my high horse to school.  Who needed shoes anyway?

These little tête-à-têtes put me in the mindset of looking at my own competitive nature.  Now, I always considered myself a passive man.  A gentle meadow of a male who frolicked amongst the wild flowers, handing out gold stars for participation, declaring that we’re all “winners”.  Competition was good in small measures, but it never defined anyone.  I had the Sesame Street Handbook of Fairness and Gentleperson Sportsmanship.  Well, I thought I did.  It wasn’t until I got sober that I looked back with different glasses and saw that I was a far cry from the cheerleader, and more like the bruising linebacker who wanted to eat your lunch…and your face.

In yo face, Kingy!!!  Yeah, you got that right...a GIRL beat your crowned ass.  Take a lie down on the checkered cemetery.
In your face, Kingy!!! Yeah, you got that right…a GIRL beat your crowned ass. Take a lie down on the checkered cemetery, Princess.

I am not a jock by any stretch of the imagination, but I did compete in some things.  Ball hockey, ice hockey, air hockey, table hockey, spinning for hockey cards, soccer, chess.  Namely hockey (is my Canadian showing?)  Now, there is nothing more exhilarating for me than a full on, 5-on-5 game with goalies.  You need goalies, eh? But sometimes the goalies couldn’t make it.  Maybe one showed up.  And then the fun quotient would plummet, as would the motivation.  At least for me.  The game had changed – it wasn’t as fully charged.  It’s was like Jello without the gelatin.  Pointless.  And the worst was going down to the local rink and finding it was pleasure skating time, instead of hockey time.  What?  Why bother putting on skates to just move in circles?  To tinny outdated music?  Might as well be on a carousel.  Asleep.  With a pacifier in my mouth.  The problem lay in that I had no goal to achieve.  There was no winning in pleasure skating.  And that was disturbing to me.

The idea of winning at something was very important to me, now that I look back.  Well, let me correct that.  It wasn’t so much the winning (that was nice in it’s own way), but in competing.  And to be more specific, I needed a goal to achieve.  That’s why pleasure skating did nothing for me, or playing with a single goalie, or doing anything that wasn’t maxed out and primed for ultimate combat.  Paintball? Sure – nail the other guys good and hope you don’t get a Burnt Sienna #7 splattered on your skull.  But tossing a ball around? Why bother? Lame.  Golf? Sure – grip it and rip it and let that dimpled darling dance around the lip of the cup and kerplunk into a massive mandatory-high-five eagle.  Walk in the park?  What’s the point? Lame.

There's just no positive spin on this one.  Just walk away, folks.  Walk away.
There’s no positive spin on this one. It’s just not in me right now.  Just walk away, folks. Walk away.

The need to out do, out manoeuvre, out perform was always constant. I was able to turn almost everything I did into some sort of competition. Now, I’d be lying if I said there wasn’t some sort of glee I got from drinking others under the table as well.   There was a jolt or urging about having something at stake that drove me on.  I needed a shiny object at the finish line to propel me.  And it need not be materialistic in nature.  I rarely won any hardware in the sports department, unless you count a participation certificate as hardware, so that wasn’t the driving force.  Was it the compulsion to prove myself in some way?  Was it a lame UFC-type bravado that was bred from low self-esteem?  Or was it testosterone-laden hormonal instinct?  Or just good old-fashioned healthy competition? I am not sure, but I can tell you there was something there.

And still is.

You see, I have seen this play out in something as innocuous as running.  I took up running three months ago, and took to it immediately.  I thought that it would be good for me in many ways – physically, mentally, emotionally, spiritually.  And it’s not disappointed in those areas.  I started very slowly, doing more walking than running.  And soon enough that “sizzle” started up in me.  That competitive edge.  That Tony the Tiger jumped off my morning cereal box and infiltrated my brain.  I pushed my running program.  I twisted it and yanked it’s hair and gave it a Crossface Chickenwing Pumphandle Suplex and was eventually running harder, further and faster.  Every time I ran, I had to go further.  There was no pleasure skating before and now there was no such thing as pleasure running.  More, more, more.  Fast, fast, fast.  Now, now, now.

My running club. What a bunch of good looking Movember lads. We call ourselves Polaris, because sometimes the stars point north.
My running club. What a bunch of good looking Movember lads. We call ourselves Polaris, because sometimes the stars point north.

There is nothing wrong with goals and training and improving.  I understand that.  But the well I was tapped into was something deeper, and had been tapped countless times.  My scratch marks scar those well walls. The idea that running would be this leisurely addition to my lifestyle had the lifespan of a Happy Groundhog Day Hallmark card.  It immediately became about the distance, the time…how far can I take it?  And soon enough, my body told me the limits.  My body put a line in the sand and said, ye shall not pass here…for now.  I maxed myself out.  And then it began – the backlash.  The old ways crept up in me.  The old Paul, with his old thought patterns and rationalizations and justifications and internal temper tantrums returned. What’s the point of running then, old Paul asked.  Where’s the pleasure in that, if I hit my apex already?  Now, now…it’s not a race, remember?

What this comes down to is that Old Paul with all his Old Ideas will always crop up. It’s a zombie that just keeps reanimating.  I can knock it with as many swift shovel shots to the head and pray it doesn’t pry itself out of the dirt…but it eventually does come out.  And it wants brain…mine.  And it sometimes gets it, sometimes not.

The one thing I thought would happen when I got sober and into recovery is that I would burst out of this old skin and become this new person.  And by new, I mean latest-iphone-version shiny new.  With kick-ass Orange County Choppers decals, a funky Paul Sr. moustache and an all-chrome exterior overlapping a monster engine. I was going to be James Bond, The Terminator and ER-era George Clooney rolled into one.  Clearly that didn’t happen.  I tried really hard to act differently, think differently, behave differently and feel differently.  It didn’t work.  I was stuck with…me.  Or was I?

Without getting into the whole thing, I can see now, just past two-and-a-half years from my last adult bevvie, that I have changed in many ways.  These changes happened on their own time.  The Creator’s time.  I couldn’t force those changes even if I wanted.  It would have been like putting toothpaste back into the tube.  Now, there are things I had to do to move past my old ways.  I had to do the work suggested in my recovery plan, I had to move past fears, had to get out of my comfort zone, had to shift my thinking and perspective, had to do things that utterly terrified me (like you know, interacting with strangers, be responsible and such).  It wasn’t a matter of me lying in my PJ’s and praying to the Great Coach to transform me into Wayne Gretzky or Maurice Richard.  Or the Dalai Lama or Mother Teresa, for that matter. I had to get out there and do the donkey work.  I had to make sure that my will and His will were aligned. I had a new protocol in my life…if I wanted to save and change my life.

But the old me still wants in still.  Of course it does.  It was my Operating System for 40 years.  It’s like wiping everything off the old hard drive.  It’s still there in some way, unless you smash the hard drive with a sledgehammer.  So the ghosts of my old ways of thinking continue to float about, whispering, prodding, enticing.  They look for the easier, softer way to do things.  The cowardly ways.  The cheap ways.  The dishonest ways.  The isolating ways.  They show up at times I least expect them and I sometimes fall for their charms and allure.  And the way I know I have fallen for them is that feeling in the pit of my stomach that tells me – “that wasn’t cool, Pauly”, or “you know better”.  And that’s the thing with this sobriety – I know better now.  I have no excuses.  I can’t blame the booze, or my delusional state any more.  I have more awareness.  And that’s what makes this doubly hard – is that I am aware of what I am doing and why.

It's almost upgrade time!  Just a few more cranks of this puppy, then watch out Atari!  We'll be getting Space Invaders by dinner time.
It’s almost upgrade time! Just a few more cranks of this puppy, then watch out Atari! We’ll be getting Space Invaders by dinner time.

What brings me comfort in knowing all this and experiencing all this is that I am certainly not the only one who goes through this.  Experience and discussion with others tells me that it’s a struggle many of us have.  Whether you’re sober three days or thirty years, the old us still tries to lasso us into old patterns.  Get us all tied up real good like.  Poke us with a branding iron and have us buck around with a clown jumping out of a barrel.  I for one am tired of the rodeo that was my life.  And while things have changed considerably, there is still me in this mix.  Not the Old Me, or the New Me, but the Core Me.  The Authentic Me.  The one that is aligned more to how I act and behave now, and yet may still be hidden from view.  And that’s a new concept for me.

The way I see it, is that we all have that Authentic Self in us.  How it manifests in our old lives and in our new lives is unique to us all.  How much of me was in the old me?  I don’t know.  How much of me is in this new form?  I am not entirely sure.  But I get clean vibes when I act a certain way or feel genuine to my self or to others.  Like the times I help someone when I know the old me wants to step over them.  The times I hug someone when I know the old me wants to recoil and figure someone else will do it.  Like when I turn the mirror on myself when I know the old me wants to turn it on others.

schaw
I know just how you feel, Arnie. My delts have been disappointing as of late too. Cheer up – it’s really how you feel inside, eh? Now drop and give me twenty!!!

So where’s the balance?  Or is there need to have one?  Of course, I push towards the light.  The Old Me is going to crop up.  And that’s expected and I have come to rely on the unexpectedness of it.  But I have also come to rely on the fact that the Creator is also nudging me to the Authentic Self.  Working through others, He shows me where I need to go, how I need to be, where I am needed.  Things will shift and change as needed.  There is no rush. Others show me that it’s possible to change for a better purpose.  The people in the fellowship, sober bloggers, friends and family, spiritual gurus, strangers at meetings, my own children…show me that moving towards the light of Authentic Me, nestled in the web of my spirit and mind, is nothing to fear.  It breaks the binds that continue to chain me to the wall.  The old fears, resentments and ways of thinking need not pin me down.  They come up for air now and then, but they don’t define me any longer.

So I struggled with this the other day, in the guise of a simple, almost benign, question – “Do I run today?”.  I knew that my run would be a short one.  I didn’t have the time nor the strength for a 2 hour session.  So what would it be – convince myself that short runs are pointless, that unless I am maxed out it’s not worth it?  Or would I run for the sake of running, without a glittery trophy of sorts waiting for me?  I ran. I shut the question down, to be honest.  Didn’t give myself time to over think it.  Sometimes I just have to shut myself off and do the simple things.  I just put myself out there and let the Authentic Me just take over.  Embrace Me. Let the old thoughts creep us and watch them slick away, like drops of rain on a window. Let the Creator direct me.

I took my time putting on my shoes.  New shoes.  Not old shoes. I tied the laces tightly, opened the door and bolted out. And ran – just for the hell of it.  And enjoyed it.

It’s not a race, remember?

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36 Comments Add yours

  1. Have you been creepin’ in my brain? Great post Paul.

    1. Well, creepin’ ain’t my thang, but I imagine we’re on the same wavelength then? I’ll take that any day..shows that we’re never alone. And I like that. Thanks!

      Paul

  2. soberbill34 says:

    Hi Paul. As always, I enjoyed your post and loved how you talk about balance. For me balance is one of the keys to staying sober. I need to make sure that I never let mysels get to focused on one part of my life/recovery or the other parts will suffer causing fear/anxiety and resentment. My sponsor tells me that growth comes from leaving your comfort zone and doing the things you don’t want to do (like running). So now everytime an internal mental battle starts, I try to identify the road that will be most helpful, not necessarily the easiest and take that course of action. Bill

    1. Great insight there, Bill – ” So now everytime an internal mental battle starts, I try to identify the road that will be most helpful, not necessarily the easiest and take that course of action.” Love it. And it’s so very true. Most often the road that brings me to a deeper understanding of things and/or brings me closer to the Creator is the hardest one. I spent my life doing the easier, softer thing. And that’s my default to this day. But when I get out of that comfort zone (with or against my will…lol), that’s when growth starts.

      Thanks for stopping by Bill – means a lot.

      Blessings,
      Paul

  3. jrj1701 says:

    Good one, and one of the things that I have seen myself fall into. If I can’t be Saint John Chrysostom then why bother? The reality is that I might not be the golden tongued Bishop, yet I do have an important role to play in the place where I am at right now, and I am still learning by His grace and guidance if I continue to put on the new man. Your dedication to helping others inspires me. Thanks a whole lot.

    1. Thanks JR – I had to look up Saint John Chrysostom, so that got my fingers and brain busy this morning. Quite the cat – no wonder you want to get there. I love what you said about continuing to put on the new man. Gonna steal that one 🙂 But you’re right – we all have an important role to play in the place we are in. I sometimes don’t “feel” important or feel that I am being of use, but I have to have faith and trust in the Creator that I am where I am for a reason.

      Thank you for being here, right now 🙂

      Blessings,
      Paul

  4. byebyebeer says:

    What a funny, clever, spot-on post. My kids do the “it’s not a race” thing all the time. As parents, we had to tell them it’s not a race to get up or down the stairs because they are both that competitive.

    I also see a lot of myself in this post. With running, I’ve pulled back at various points when I felt more pressure than release. I am running a race next weekend that I hate calling a race because I will likely finish towards the end. I am still excited about running it though! It seems very wise to listen to your body and your heart and scale back or move forward accordingly.

    I seems a challenge and a joy to realize we can never escape our old selves. The balance is right there in the middle, if only we can figure out where exactly that is at any given moment.

    One more thing: I can count to potato is my new favorite meme!

    1. Aw thank you Kristen. I love the “pressure than release” point you make (and the phrase). I feel that our old self certainly has much or at least some of our Authentic Self – it was just obfuscated by the booze. Perhaps that removal of alcohol brings out this person that seems new but really wasn’t all along? Good question. I’ll work on that one after my 4th coffee this morning.

      Anyway, good luck on your race! I have yet to sign up for one. That might be my new motivation. I know if and when I do that I will certainly not be placing very high. But that’s ok. It’s more the experience, isn’t it? Get Josie over there on that one with ya 🙂

      Keep counting up to potato (I do love that one)

      Blessings,
      Paul

  5. This is great. I am on the other spectrum in that I was usually the one left in the dust yelling, “It’ s not a race!!!” because I was so far behind. However, this train of thought has served me well in that I rarely speed and welcome those who pass me. ( I snicker and think , “Go right ahead; get that cop preoccupied with you!”
    And yeah, I appreciate the comments on the Authentic Self- once I figure out who she is, I’ll be inviting her over to stay awhile.
    Great post.

    1. Authentic Self – yes…please stay. I find that I fear Authentic Self – that whole thing about being fearful of who I can be. Weird eh? Self-sabotage is heavy in our ways at times, cutting ourself at the knees just as we are ready to burst forth. Well, at least that is my experience. But the more this genuine me comes out, is edged out, the more comfortable I am with it. But it takes me a bit of time to get used to it. I guess that’s the timeline, yes? Slow and steady 🙂

      Thanks for the wonderful comments!

      Love and light,
      Paul

  6. bornsirius says:

    I love this post. Hit the nail on the head right there. I sometimes struggle with running because of that idea. Or I set records on the elliptical on the gym. Or I look at my fellow classmate’s quiz grade and get competitive. Yikes.
    This post for me relates to Karen (mended musings) post a few weeks back on perfectionism. Killer. I have an invisible standard in my head and I have to “win”/be good enough/be the best. And I do it to avoid feeling. Depends on the day when it comes to what I’m avoiding. Maybe just the feeling that I am small, or unheard, or unnoticed.
    In any case… loved this. Needed this reminder. Thank you for sharing Paul!

    1. ” Maybe just the feeling that I am small, or unheard, or unnoticed.” I think you hit something there. I didn’t think about that, and how you have me thinking. It reminds me of that expression “we have to be treated extaordinary just to feel ordinary” and I wonder if we do that to ourselves…if we aren’t at the top of the heap, then we are nothing. Ugh…what a way to live life. But we don’t have to…a thinking problem.

      Thanks for the comments, Laurie 🙂

      Paul

  7. soberjessie says:

    What a wonderful post! Thank you for sharing this, Paul. I really feel like if I don’t do something 100%, then I’m instantly a failure, and so why the heck do it? If I don’t weight train 3 days a week, why even bother with two? If I don’t stick to my paleo diet every day, why not throw in the towel and eat cookies? If I spin my wheels at work, might as well just write off the entire day and leave early. I hope that in my sobriety I can find balance, because this all or nothing attitude really stinks.

    1. You know, when I wrote the post, I wasn’t thinking about perfectionism, per se. But it seems that is what came through…so I am going with it. Meant to be 🙂

      But for sure, it’s balance. And ask around these parts, balance has been probably one of my biggest struggles to now. It’s only now, 2 1/2 + yrs sober and I am just getting into balance. Sort of. Ha ha. The running has helped me in the physical / mental department, and the blog / forums help me in the writing and recovery part, and my meetings help me a bit in the face-to-face part. I think I still need a bit more serenity in this all, but that’s a day to day thing, and when I don’t do the things I need to do (prayer / meditation / mindfulness), then I get squirrely.

      And you’re right – the all-or-nothing thing does stink. It’s binding and chains me to expectations that are unrealistic. Ugh.

      Thanks for this, Jessie. You have me thinking here 🙂

      Blessings,
      Paul

  8. furtheron says:

    It is all about not having to judge yourself against others isn’t it. As Yoda says “Do or do not, there is no try”. To expand – “Do or do not. Don’t judge against others achievements”

    Great post

    1. You got it, Graham. I have this as a terrible character defect. Compare and despair as they say. I am better, but I do get snarled in it. I think it’s also about comparing to what I *think* I should be. Another trap. ugh. Anyway, thank you for the comments – sounds like you got me there 🙂

      Blessings,
      Paul

      1. furtheron says:

        Head full shoulds I call it

  9. Hi Paul,

    It’s the best kind of Saturday morning: quiet house, coffee in hand, reading a thought-provoking post from Paul. Doesn’t get any better than this!

    I can relate, and, sadly, I have many examples of this behavior, starting with exercise. Wait, I can’t run a 5K the way I think it should be run? Then I’m going to throw my sneakers in the trash! I am not unlike a 2-year old throwing a tantrum when he doesn’t get his way.

    As you so poignantly mention, it’s all about balance, which is a feat in and of itself for us alcoholics. On a daily basis, in a million ways, I am teaching myself (and re-teaching myself) this lesson.

    The relief I have from the bondage of self is pulling up WordPress on my computer, and finding that there are others like me.

    Thanks for sharing, Paul!

    1. I love what you said about pulling up WP and finding that we’re not alone. That’s why I keep at this, keep connecting, keep writing, keep commenting. It’s about connection. I can hit meetings, sure, and I do. But there is something about coming on here any time of the day / night and reading something and being able to comment and really feel that I am part of something greater.

      Balance – I will get this one licked one day, I swear! lol. Perhaps that I haven’t killed anyone today means that I have some sort of balance. 🙂 But you are right – this is an every day thing, and that’s where the Serenity prayer comes into play for me, and the 3rd step prayer too.

      I hope you had a wonderful weekend, Josie. Looking forward to your next post!

      Love and light and hugs,
      Paul

  10. AsJimSeesIt says:

    We tend to be perfectionists who never live up to our own standards. You hit the nail on the head with “testosterone-laden”. We need to compete — beat someone else — to feel excellent. This has less to do with the program than with being a man. (Not that women don’t feel the same, I’m sure).

    Thinking this way led me to believe that I need less “Serenity” in my prayer and more “Courage”. That I needed less “Acceptance” and more “Change”. Here’s one way I approached it.
    http://asjimseesit.wordpress.com/2010/09/03/serenity/
    Hope it helps. Sounds like you’re doing fine, though.

    1. Hi Jim – thank you for being here and the comments.
      I had thought of that line of thought regarding the male energy as well, but like you, felt that it’s probably a universal thing. Certainly men have a bit more of a competitive nature in some regards, and there is something about us that wants to out best the other (just in the same way that we want to fix things – that’s why it drives my wife crazy when she just wants me to listen and not try and fix her problems..ha ha)

      Thank you for the link there – I started going through your posts there…you have quite the story, Jim. Wow. I can’t say that many of my circumstances are anywhere near what your are / were, but we certainly share a common problem and a common solution, yes? I am glad we connected, kind sir, and look forward to reading / commenting more!

      Love and light,
      Paul

        1. AsJimSeesIt says:

          LOL! “it drives my wife crazy when she just wants me to listen and not try and fix her problems”: I can say that all day long, but it never fully sinks in to my thick head. I looked at that problem here!

          http://asjimseesit.wordpress.com/2010/05/11/boys-with-boys-girls-with-girls/

  11. “Sometimes I just have to shut myself off and do the simple things.”

    This is so true. Just run. Just write. Just sit. Just think. Just not-think. Just be. Just love.

    It’s not a race. And even if it were, it’s only a race against ourselves. And, hey, are we really in THAT big of a hurry to get to the finish line? That means our ticket’s up. I think I’d much rather walk. Or sit. Or just be. I’m not in that big of a hurry to be done living.

    Another awesome post, Paul. Happy weekend,
    Christy

    1. HI Christy – so nice to see you here 🙂

      You speak truth, I know. And there is that God-conscious part of me that understands that too. And there are times where I am pretty good about the “justs” – just write, just run, etc. and then there are the times when the committee comes to play (and doesn’t it always come to play?) and that competitive / perfectionist attitude emerges and then there is a shut down – a paralysis by analysis. I do have to say that this thing to slow down has been a long steady process for me. I have never been a Type A personality, but I have tendencies towards it 🙂 So it’s just a matter of trusting that all will be fine, that the world will be fine if I don’t do everything on my to do list, that balance is the key.

      Thank you Christy…and hope your weekend was a good one!

      Blessings,
      Paul

  12. bernasvibe says:

    Something my exhusband(& still /always a forever best friend) taught me and our sons..@Life is not a race; but a journey to be experienced..These days of cramming so much in & racing from place to place; its often easy to forget it isn’t a rat-race..I’ve learned to rush to relax..That works for me with such a full, full plate..But I’d not have it any other way; so much to enjoy and do! Nice write. Write ON 🙂

    1. Thanks Bernadette for this. You are right ….not a race. I don’t always get that in the heart, even if I understand it intellectually. I am trying to ease into it all, but the mind races a bit too much and the rest of me wants to catch up, instead of slowing the mind down!

      Good food for thought…

      Write on too, my friend 🙂

      Love and light,
      Paul

      1. bernasvibe says:

        I can relate@the mind races a bit..It can be tough to slow the mind down or to micro-manage our thoughts..I’m a dreamer & I dream BIG..I learned to pace myself & stick to steps in lists of my goals..Took many moons to even learn that..Life is full of learning & teachable moments/events/experiences..We all learn from one another..Or so I think that is how its supposed to be..Which is one of the reasons I read your blog(& other faves on my list) Learn & share & learn. Anyways in case I don’t get to connect prior to Thanksgiving again..Have a wonderful blessed Thanksgiving Paul..Can hardly believe its that time of year already. Hugs! Love & blessings to you/your fam, Bernadette

  13. I loved when you wrote, “These changes happened on their own time. The Creator’s time. I couldn’t force those changes even if I wanted.” Nothing could be more true than this statement right here, my friend. However, I think this may be more of a personal, internal change rather than the physical. We can run all we want, build muscles until our skin is about to explode, put in hair extensions and lose endless amounts of unwanted pounds…but the change within ourselves occurs on its own time; on His watch. This type of change is a learning process and a commitment and takes a long time to be realized. And that is the funny thing about change; it’s always happening, with every stride we take and person we meet; with every bite we indulge in or the travels we embark on. Change coincides with growth and when we decide to become sober, that is the first step in our growth as human beings. Recovery enables us to continue to grow and of course, we shall do this at our own pace. As always, a pleasure stopping by!

    1. “Change coincides with growth and when we decide to become sober, that is the first step in our growth as human beings.” I agree wholeheartedly. And like you said, there is always change…it’s never static. And either I am going further from the drink or moving closer to it. It depends where my feet are pointed.

      Thanks for the wonderful comments, Gina…so glad you’re here 🙂

      Love and light,
      Paul

  14. Lisa Neumann says:

    “putting toothpaste back into the tube” … where pray, tell did you get this one? Still laughing. Gonna have to borrow it. I have nothing to add that hasn’t been shared. The big word for me in this post is “congruent” Am I congruent? Gonna think on that for a while. xox

    1. I am not sure where I heard that one, Lisa. I can be honest and say it’s not an original of mine. I do love that line…visual. “Congruent” – wow, I love this word. I don’t think I have heard it since high school math. Now you have *me* thinking on this. It’s early in the day, so I have time to mull it over…what can it possibly mean? Oh yes, it’s going to be a good day 🙂

      Thank you for this mind drop, Lisa.

      Blessings,
      Paul

  15. gfnj says:

    Thanks for the reminder that the old me is still here. I can’t just tuck him away and rename him “a trigger” or a “pang.” It’s only been 14 months so I’ll have to keep my eye out for that side of me.
    On another note, I am amazed that I started running 5k races in my 40’s while I was living the destructive life. Now that I have a new life am I running 10k’s or marathons? No. Zilch. Zero. I’ve barely run at all. I don’t know why I act like a wounded warrior when I’m actually in more control than ever. Very puzzling.

    1. “I can’t just tuck him away and rename him “a trigger” or a “pang.” Man, I love this line!! I may have to steal it 🙂 You speak truth.

      It’s interesting about the running there – I wonder why that is. Perhaps you were trying to prove something while drinking? Balancing out the “bad” with the “good”? Who knows…all conjecture. But it makes for interesting reflection. Or not. Could it be filed under “it is what it is”? I can make my own head spin so early in the morning…ha ha.

      Thanks for the comments – happy to see you, as always 🙂

      Love and light,
      Paul

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