I like clean. I like a clean house. I like having an IKEA-type clean house where everything is perfectly aligned and put in it’s proper place. I like boxes and totes and pull-out drawers that are micro-divided. I like the idea of having a place to organize paperclips by colour – alphabetically. This, of course, is but a dream. I have two kids, so I am just happy to see the actual floor now and then. But having said all that, for some reason I was a keeper of things. Not in a”Hoarders” kind of way – far from it. There were some things that just traveled with me from place to place in torn cardboard boxes and cracked, sun-bleached binders. Things that were important to me…things of value.
Occasionally, I would finger through those well-worn trinkets, the faded and roughed up keepsakes, reliving past things through eyes of old, imbuing these items with deeper worth than what they were entitled to have. I followed the script of sorting through the rubble of the past and making connections with them. I re-felt my life through these dusty objects. I cherished them…and then put them back in the corner, to be dug through again later.
About six or seven months into my recovery, I was cleaning house, again. I was once again rummaging through my little treasures. But I came to them not with eyes of old, in soft-focus, but with eyes of clarity. As I put things into my hands, I felt the urge to not sanctify these objects, but to purge them. Out went the stuff from high school. Out went the old CD’s and mix tapes – songs that marked different painful landmarks in my life. Out went old folders and scraps of papers with inspirational writings. Out went certificates, awards, letters of recognition and articles of glory. Out went pictures. Out went mountains of things that I used to see as vital to my existence, but were now just waste. I just didn’t need these things any more. I felt relieved to have a tidier, neater and more open house.
It wasn’t until a little time later that I saw how I started to do these things in my own inner life. When I wrote my 4th step inventory, I had listed and seen all the resentments, fears and harms that I had accumulated over my lifetime. I took a good hard look at the trinkets and keepsakes that I kept inside and alive within myself. I saw all those things that I kept from my high school days – the hate I hung on to for being bullied for doing well in school, the isolation, the first suicidal thoughts I had, the way I felt so vulnerable. I saw the things I held onto from a child – the bewilderment of being alone, the pain of not having friends, the feeling of being unprotected and unsafe. I saw the things that I held onto from my young adulthood – the fear or being myself, the fear of being rejected, the guilt from drinking, the pain of being broken up with over and over again. And it continued.
I saw that I had been doing to those things within myself what I had done with all those ancient objects I kept in my basement – I had been pulling them out, rehashing and reliving the pains and problems of the past. And instead of stuffing them in a box, I was stuffing them down deep into my body, my mind, my spirit. The very core of me was overflowing with things that simply did not serve me. No wonder I suffered. No wonder I couldn’t breath. No wonder my life was unmanageable.
No wonder I drank.
I had to face what spiritual garbage was in me, what was decaying and eating away at my soul, what was chewing me up from the inside out. I had to rid myself of the very things I saw as vital but were in fact toxic to me. My old ideas, my old ways of thinking, my old prejudices, my old habits, my old hurts and resentments…all these things that I thought were me, but were in fact the me I had created a long time ago just to survive, just to get through the day. I had been my biggest enemy, and there I was manufacturing the very bullets that I used to shoot myself with. I needed to clean house.
I looked at dishonesty and said: “You came to protect me, to protect the lies, to protect the predators and vultures of my mind, but you hurt the ones I loved and came to bring me down, word by word, deed by deed.
I release thee now, I release thee free, I release thee well.”
I stared at anger and said: “You were a shield in my life, to stave off the blows and barbs. You came to slay others before they could even come close to me. But the attacker was truly from within and you almost destroyed my heart.
I release thee now, I release thee free, I release thee well.”
I gazed upon pride and said: “You asked that I care what others thought, you asked that I act the chameleon, you asked that I play against the very fabric of who I was.
I release thee now, I release thee free, I release thee well.”
I regarded ego and said: “A stronger foe I had never met, you kept the bottle in my hand, you brow-beat me to ash, you flayed at the boy who wanted to be loved and broke my spirit just to prove right.
I release thee now, I release thee free, I release thee well.”
I looked at my hands, clenched in prayer, and asked God to relieve me of the bondage of self, so I may better do His will. I closed my eyes, and I swore that I heard a small whisper, a small voice saying:
“I release thee now, I release thee free, I release thee well.”
I love this! I did the same thing with my stuff and it was so freeing. I release thee now. And I love how you tied it into releasing your character defects. I’m still in Four. Why why why don’t I just DO it. tomorrow….
This was beautiful. ‘Nuff said. If you don’t mind me asking, how many months/years of freedom do you have? You just sound so together and with it which of course I am aiming for!!!
What a beautiful post. I’m watching your fabulous writing progress on the same, introspective path as my own did. It’s so cathartic to pour these feelings onto the page…and you do it in such an amazing way.
Thank you so much for this blog. You are helping so many.
Beautifully expressed. I have a box or two, myself. Maybe a journal bonfire is in order.
The longer we hold on to the resentments of the past, the more power they hold over our thoughts and emotions. Taking an honest and open look at them, through the inventory allows us to break the power chain and free us from the bond it holds over us. Freedom awaits. Great post!
Aaahh this is lovely. Well written. Well said. Thanks xxx
Paul you’ve reached into my soul and written my experience in such a beautiful way. It wasn’t until I stood toe to toe with my baggage that my journey truly began….it was the beginning and is my today.
I’m so glad I’ve found your writing
Paul, I have to tell you, your posts have always hit home exactly when I need them the most. You posted this Saturday, for some reason I did not see it until today, and I have been struggling with release all morning long. I have a God moment each time I open your blog, and I can’t tell you how thankful I am to have found you!
The un-tethered freedom at the other side of release. It wasn’t so much that He hadn’t help me let go. It was more a matter of me not wanting to let go. Paul, You are a gifted communicator. Thank you.
Your writing is beautiful. Simply beautiful. It’s amazing how we speak a common language once we get sober.
Beautiful, simply beautiful. I am an emotional pack rat, it’s hard to let go of some things, but I know you speak the truth. I still have some high school mixed tapes. ((Blush))
i love your 4th Step prayers! Beautiful, poetic and efficient. And i don’t need to do a 4th step to say it. Thanks for the insight, brother.