This River I Step in is Not the River I Stand in.


When I was squeaky clean newcomer sober, I had a lot of things going on with me, emotionally, mentally, spiritually.  Normal stuff, really.  I had fears spilling out of my ears, mood swings beyond reproach, and questions about this Higher Power that I just hooked up with on a blind date.  Drinking dreams, sudden urges to drink, regrets, remorse, guilt, shame, and the plan as to how I was going to do this whole thing for the rest of my bloody life all started to creep into an already crowded inner life.  To say the least, I had a lot on my mind, and a lot of questions.

Fast-forward about 19 months and I have gotten past much of that stuff.  In the clear right?  Nope, got new stuff to replace that old stuff.  Oh yeah, and sometimes the old stuff comes back.  Great.  But here’s the difference – I am now answering questions for the guys that I work with.  I am asking different questions to my sponsor.   I am not clutching onto my sponsor as I used to.  I have ways to deal with the things that used to send me into a tailspin (“I almost talked to a woman today…I am not supposed to talk to women…I’m gonna get drunk!!” – ughh).  I can be more honest with myself, and catch myself when I get into old patterns or thoughts.

Now with a calmer sense of self (I said “calmer”, not “utter Dalai Lama type unconscious serenity”), I find I am not running to someone with things.  Doesn’t mean I have all the answers.  In fact, I told my sponsor a few months ago that the more I do this program, the deeper I dig into things, the more I seek, I realize the less  I know less.  I try to stay teachable, even though I certainly don’t come with an open mind as much as I want to.

But here’s where the old drama queen in me comes out.  If I am getting better along in life, relatively speaking, and things aren’t disturbing me as much, where  does this take me?  How much fun is it to read a blog where everything is full of unicorns and bunnies and smiling leprechauns?   Not much, I imagine.  Not much fun to write either.  Aha!  Ego has entered the room, with his entourage.  Why do I care what I write?  Why do I care who reads?  Who am I trying to impress?  Why am I denying my feelings because they don’t come fit with an already attached made-for-TV movie script?  Laying in detox and treatment, I would have killed to have a life I have now, the serenity I keep now, the mind free of obsession and a body free of poison.  So why not enjoy it?  I do.  Or at least I try to.

Being in a state of serenity is no less that being in a state of chaos.  It is still being.  I don’t live in bliss, but I have blissful moments.  I don’t swim in peace, but I certainly live in peace.  The more I find relief of ego, the more I find these moments.  The less I care about what others think of me, the more I find these moments.  The more I align myself to God’s will and not my petty own, the freer I get.  How groovy is that?

So today’s work is today’s work.  I write from outside myself, yet anchored in what I am moved from within.  It’s a deal that works for me.  And I hope it works for others.

Ain’t that a trip.

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