I am back on the amends trail.
While I don’t have many left (less than 10, methinks), I have been procrastinating. Not sure why – the midway meltdown I guess. I have heard that it’s common for many of us to get halfway and start to slow down. I can identify. I know I started to feel good about things, that I could feel the weight off my shoulders, that I felt that somehow I didn’t need to make the rest with the immediacy I did with the first ones.
But then the faces started to show up.
During my meditation, words, phrases or images usually pop up. It’s like the percolating of unconscious thoughts and emotions, of my conscious contact with God, of the unsaid through the Divine Spirit. And then the faces would crop up. The faces of those that still needed amends. And it would be the same ones coming up. This is how I knew who was next to go on the list. I know because when I followed this up with making the amend to the actual person, I never saw their face again!
I was telling my sponsor about this the other day, about the meditation and the faces and about how I knew who was next. He replied that he was happy to hear it, as when I first asked about amends and who to make them to, he said “you’ll know”. And now I know. I wanted to tell him “why didn’t you tell me this earlier?!” but I know what he was doing – he was allowing me to find my own path. And I love and respect him for that.
So I have put out some approaches, and haven’t had anyone yell at me yet, or tell me to bugger off. I have some vacation time coming up, and want to hammer out a few more amends. They often ask “how free do you want to be?” and I have to answer “totally free”. But then I look at my actions, and they are not in line with my ambitions and intentions. So my feet have to get me there…to be free for good and all of my past…not forget about it, but to be free of it.
And that’s a wonderful gift to have…I can’t wait.