The last few days have been tough for me, with today being the toughest in terms of negativity. Not necessarily mine, but the way that I have been absorbing it from others rather than just doing what I normally do – realizing that it’s not mine to take on, to pray and to allow those people to deal with it. But for some reason I’ve been taking on things – attitudes, comments, venting, issues, etc. that are not mine and sitting in it. So I am stuck with being in a not so spiritual place, and I have let it be…and it’s not even my crap that I am sitting in. But crap begets crap, and I start to feel overwhelmed, less than, and then my enemy self-pity starts to tap dance over and asking me to play!
I then wonder what it is that I am doing to accept other people’s garbage. What am I doing that is allowing my serenity to be disturbed and allow small drama and negative feelings to wedge into me? This is a good question. I have NO clue right now. It’s like I’ve been a conduit for spiritual dumping. Well, not exactly. I am allowing this, and for what end or effect, I have to investigate it. Because the danger is my old me coming back slowly and reacting in the old ways. And of course this manifests in sarcasm, self-pity, isolation and lack of ambition…eventually. But I don’t like those things. They do not serve me or my fellow man or God, of course.
I will probably have to write inventory about this, and talk to my sponsor about it. Tonight I will meditate, as usual, but will try to focus my energies on this…see what God and the Universe comes back with. Could be nothing. Could be lots. My sponsor says that it’s when we are on the verge of spiritual growth do we find resistance. So this might be one of those times. I hope so…and goes by quickly.