Stalling….


Yikes.

I found myself trying to rationalize some of my still unmade amends away.  Who am I trying to convince that some of my amends don’t need to be made?  That what I did wasn’t that bad.  That it won’t affect my sobriety and that I will be just fine without making certain approaches and amends.

Horsefeathers! (as Colonel Potter used to say in M*A*S*H)

I know that I have stalled in my amends – it’s been weeks and weeks since my last one, and while all of them have been positive, I keep thinking it’s going to be the next one that will be painful to do, or that I will be rejected or dismissed.  Fear of the unknown.  I know that my spiritual fitness depends on doing these.  And now that I have a sponsee, I feel that I also have to finish walking the walk.  Or is that just pride talking now?

What I do realize deep down is that they have to be finished.  I remember hearing about how many people lagged once they got about halfway through the 9th step.  And I am now a card-carrying member of that group.  I guess I look at many of the people I know (including my sponsor) who haven’t done them all, and wonder, well if they haven’t finished them, why should I?  Well, that’s comparing myself to others, and I have done that my whole life, as I always ended up on the wrong side of that equation.

So once again I am finding myself praying for strength and guidance to continue the amends.  I know who the next person is – it is not thought out in any way other than who’s face pops up in my meditations.  So it’s not that big a deal.  I have to continue this and continue to get more and more free.  And that is all I wanted – a lighter load in my life.

 

2 responses to “Stalling….

  1. I hesitate to comment as this post is Sep 3 20??, nonetheless, I like it and and am curious to know your progress. It took me 3 (full) times through the steps to get ALL my amends completed. Just curious ( and I like getting to know you) Lisa

    • Hi Lisa – your arms must be tired from the digging you did to find this one…ha ha. Thank you for delving so deep in the cave here. This was just 2012, so it wasn’t that long ago. I have done a few more amends since this post. A few meaning two and two approaches that I still need to follow through on. In all I probably have about 6 left. One or two won’t be wrapped up so tidily – one is in Dubai. But I tend to get them done in bursts, so I hope to have a few more done sooner than later. One of my sponsees has just finished his 8th step, so I certainly want to get as many done, so I am practicing what I preach :). But of course I need to do it for me – cleaning my side of the street and getting freer. There is one that I will need all the strength I can muster to do. Yikes…but I am sure you know about those ones. I am on my second round of the steps – did a second 4th/5th about two months ago. So let’s see how it goes 🙂

      Thanks for the interest, Lisa. Very much appreciated – made my day.

      Light and Love,
      Paul

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