I found myself trying to rationalize some of my still unmade amends away. Who am I trying to convince that some of my amends don’t need to be made? That what I did wasn’t that bad. That it won’t affect my sobriety and that I will be just fine without making certain approaches and amends.
Horsefeathers! (as Colonel Potter used to say in M*A*S*H)
I know that I have stalled in my amends – it’s been weeks and weeks since my last one, and while all of them have been positive, I keep thinking it’s going to be the next one that will be painful to do, or that I will be rejected or dismissed. Fear of the unknown. I know that my spiritual fitness depends on doing these. And now that I have a sponsee, I feel that I also have to finish walking the walk. Or is that just pride talking now?
What I do realize deep down is that they have to be finished. I remember hearing about how many people lagged once they got about halfway through the 9th step. And I am now a card-carrying member of that group. I guess I look at many of the people I know (including my sponsor) who haven’t done them all, and wonder, well if they haven’t finished them, why should I? Well, that’s comparing myself to others, and I have done that my whole life, as I always ended up on the wrong side of that equation.
So once again I am finding myself praying for strength and guidance to continue the amends. I know who the next person is – it is not thought out in any way other than who’s face pops up in my meditations. So it’s not that big a deal. I have to continue this and continue to get more and more free. And that is all I wanted – a lighter load in my life.