Warning – several character defects are starring in this post…my spiritual fitness centre has closed for the long weekend. Beware.
I have been frustrated as of late.
Working with others is something that I really look forward to (specifically, sponsorship), and when I do work with others, whether it be encouragement, service, sharing before or after meetings, etc. I feel great. So I know that it is something that is important to me and my sobriety. I understand why it is the most important thing we do.
I am an alcoholic. Drugs aren’t my story. I love drug addicts as much as I do alcoholics. Some of my best sober friends are recovering and/or recovered addicts. But I can’t identify with everything in their experiences and lives, for obvious reasons. Drugs didn’t capture my imagination. I tried them once or twice, and just did not like them at all…and that was just the soft stuff.
So when it comes to finding someone to work with, I am constantly meeting those who may identify both as alcoholic and addict, but it is clear that they are addicts first and foremost. And I cannot sponsor an addict. To do so would short change them, and possible kill them at the expense of my ego. So I avoid it, and encourage from the sidelines.
I heard that 90% of the people who come into AA are also addicts. I can see that a lot in the meetings and specifically those who leave the treatment centres, especially the younger cats. So like the ladies in AA, it’s sort of hands-off for me.
So where the hell are all the real alcoholics? For some reason I am not getting them put on my path…even though I pray for it daily. Am I not going to enough meetings? (probably). Am I not approaching the newcomer enough? (they are usually swarmed before I get to them!) or is there something about me that exudes “watch out for him”?? I sometimes feel that I am the single guy who is clearly on the prowl…and of course the ladies don’t go near me. But as soon as I am in a relationship, they are falling about me. So where to now?
I know that I am meant to work with someone. And I am trying to get my name and face (plus phone number) out there, but it seems that everyone’s dance card is already punched.
I tell my sponsor this, and he just says that it will take time, and talks about how it’s very difficult for us to trust. And I understand that. So maybe patience is what I need to be working on.